31/12/2011

i am OVER packing....and I am only HALF done!!!!

tonight will be better,
                          I will make sure of it...

"Seacrest OUT"...does he even say that anymore??? f*ck if I know as I don't watch any of his shows anyway....gods im tired

okay, simply...
Good NIte!

Moving.....

Argghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I hate to MOVE

I know i will be happy when ALL is said and done... but it is New Years weekend... I actually have fun stuff to do ... but I am packing....
 and cleaning...
and now, whining {be happy you cannot hear me For real!}

All I REALLY want to do~  is go out and have FUN...  {I must be going through something..}
enh....
 I will over analyze myself later...
not in the mood tonight...
             to much other SHIT to do...

so I think I will go and buy a Bottle of Pino Grigio -
 Pump up the tunes
and see how much more of this "bitch" I can get packed

before my MOM shows up..... (yes, I said my MOM)
da dah dummmmmmmmmm {that is the scarey music....}

 SHE will venture to Phx to come and help me clean my house for the move ... Hopefully she will NOT show up at the crack of dawn ...pretty please!!!   
My Plan is... while she cleans the zillions of blinds and Kitchen { I will hide from her by pull weeds & mowing the yard to get away from her.... }

love ya Mom but you are VERY Grumpy these days - well all days but you're my MOM and I love you
and the way YOU Clean!!!!

now on that note I will leave you this AMAZING gem of a video that my friend found for me to get me out of my funk... ENJOY!!!
 cause THIS bitch can Hang WITH the streets.....

gotta love "school girls" who spit some Dr. Dre!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
                Straight out of COmpton, WHat???!??!?!?!

faster.. louder...Stronger... BETTER!!!!!

beyond excited as I think i am lucky enough to have some cali sand in my near future

happy birthday to me
and ...W

XXOOXOOXOOX

28/12/2011

Cheers!!!

still have a smile on my face...

the best way to describe last night...

Still trying to nurse myself back from last night/this morning..

but ALL was worth it!!!

Merry Christmas to me after all!!
{still happy it is over...christmas that is} but I have a feeling this New Years will be exactly that New and filled with FUN! ...

yes that is right, me & the mouse in my pocket, are actually looking on the bright side of life... hear the whistling? cue in MOnthy Python music from Life of Brian....
"always look at the BRIGHT side of life........."

Many SMiles your way world!!!!

thank the gods it is almost over...

Christmas that is...

sorry, too soon?
to be happy that it is over...

look I have always been weird about such "pagan" :) {take that Fox News...} holidays
when you studied poly sci, philosophy, humanities, literature (afro-american & English), philosophy, sociology and economics...you learn things about such Holidays...

it just always gets my panties in a wad {had to spell check that bad boy! lol} -- yes I used that phrase...even after I just threw down that I took philosophy LOL emh...
I digress,
in my mind, X-mas just reminds me that people CAN actually be nice, giving & kind to one another- for no reason but to feel the "love"... so I wonder why they can not show this more than the few random days in a calender year you weirdos* have chosen...{*i use the term "weirdos that in jest people... I'm agnostic by the way}

on that note..
I gotta scram and take my ALL god self to my Mom's house for some Way tasty viddle {yes, I used this term as well}...My MOm is an amazing cook, her food makes the Holidays bearable

after that ill roll home
 try & do a few exercises before I shower & go Dance my ass off again tonight

Feliz Navida!!!!

25/12/2011

I am REALLY looking forward to the NEW YEAR!!! 

She's gone, LONG gone...

Old habits die hard....updated

 Misunderstandings Suck...
words do hurt...but things unsaid can fester...
getting mad and then refusing to listen makes for arguments...
YOU not being as empathetic or understanding as those have been to you
sucks/hurts even more...

 but what you really heard in my voice, as it got louder...
 was disappointment...
I thought WE had done more "work"... gotten farther....

I thought we moved from one place to another...
 I thought you were no longer hyper sensitive ... much less hyper sensitive to OUR past mistakes...
I know I am -- clearly by the many & varied conversations we have had over the last several months...
 you are certainly okay with others' failure {and revel in their admission of it} but rarely can you speak of your own in realistic terms...

part of being truly sorry for something is understanding how it hurt the other person whether you meant to or not-- whether you felt justified in hurting them or not..,

Not sure How you can be so comfortable with all of the flaws and folly that I have copped to.... ultimately "comprehending" why it was hard on you...
... but some how YOU never did anything wrong...??????
really ???

You really want to stand by every lame thing you did while we were together and say it was ALL completely justifiable and ABSOLVE ABLE because you are "YOU."
and
since YOU FEEL you were justified at "that moment" that 8 years later it is apparently STILL Justifiable to THIS DAY??!?!?!?....
i get the ~that "moment" part BUT the "to this day.".. part...?

                 Wow, .... really...?!?!?

... I mean you are almost doubling down - like if you had it to do over again you would do it exactly that way all over again...???
wtf?

THAT is the part that rubbed me wrong ...to an elevated voice...

I look back at some of the stupid shit I did and say, "Hey not Cool Melissa..."and have even humbly shared such Epiphanies with YOU...
but
you,
tonight...
so YOU are really trying to tell me you are still completely cool with ALL of the shit you dished out- NOT all justifiable by the way- even BEFORE "G" ~ {really it all started with Jenn } but of course since you do not see it that way -- i am not allowed to see it that way either....
Right?!?!?!?

Well I will give you this, You have lost NONE of your HUBRIS, that is for sure!
I have been so true & real with you this last year... { which has not always been easy for me or my ego...} i feel my actions have supported these words & that I have been there for you......

how quickly the worm turned...
You hear one thing that you do not like/agree with and it is like old times...
I can say nothing right...
you don't listen in order to change your mind or gain knowledge, you listen with the main intent to fashion a rope in which to either trip up or preferably hang your adversary with....
II hate being your adversary.

You are BEYOND sensitive about your past choices,
you may communicate now but you did NOT back then...
You act as if, were You to actually admit today to being an Ass in the PAST-- that the sky would fall TODAY !!!!

When you DO...sort of, finally admit to being an "Ass".... in the Past, of course...it is only because there is a VERY specific reason why someone or something made you be an Ass...
not "oh yeah, I fucked up that time I..." or
 "I was still learning about myself when I ..." or
 "chalk that up to a rough time in my life when I..." etc., etc. ...

I will NEVER understand Nor will I ever be comfortable with a person who feels that every shitty thing they ever did was a" "karmic wash" or justified because of the actions or perceived actions {in some cases} of someone or something and not of their own choice ...

sometimes WE ALL do stupid shit ...some times we make bad choices and it sucks...
and we hopefully LEARN from it... but whether we mean to or not damage was done...

sometimes the lame shit we did, which was intended to Mame at the time -- can be forgiven, heck even understood on some levels, if when hypothetically given the chance YOU would not want to these things over again...not exactly any way...
to be purposefully HURTFUL that is ...
I think when this is realized, then ... one is truly sorry.
Period.

End of story...

that is what i call a Good Human Being {and when we learn from our mistakes we sculpt better souls...}

Now that I got that out
I'm going to go dance this shit out ...

attitude adjustment happening...

to be continued...

not feeling very christmasy....

.

i will try very hard to change my 'tude....

Chocolate, Vodka and music...

happy holidays to me...

Change in plans...

no longer going out tonight.

People never cease to amaze me... {unfortunately not for the better most of the time...}
but You can always move better when you get rid of the "dead" weight in one's life. {ohh and when you are not fucking that "dead weight"  it makes things a lot easier!!}

loyalty is a dying trait

but in me, it is still strong

the only thing that has changed for me is,  I no longer am loyal to those that are not to me, i guess it is the viking in me...

I do not expect perfection from anyone as I am far from perfect nor enjoy spending my time with those who are...
but
i have come to learn the formula for good karma and it looks something like this:
respect + honesty = friendship...
these, I can not live without, in any relationship I have now.

i am too old for the bullshit
 and these days... I really do not have the need or the will to dish it back out...the bullshit, that is...

no need to go out into the night with this chip on my shoulder...
no one wears bitterness well, not even me

tomorrow is a New Day & tomorrow nite.... a new evening to dance & be merry without a bad taste in my mouth 

now off to make a liquid concoction of my own, maybe enjoy a .... & catch up on my Politics while I make some more jewelry into the wee hours of the night...

not a bad "plan B"

here's to hoping KNOWING tomorrow nite has a bit more laughs and a LOT more dancing!!!!!

blog @ ya later!

Tonight...

The Devil on my back will either have to Dance with ME 
or find Another partner!!!!!!!! 

       my graceless heart and I 
          are going to
       SHAKE IT OUT!!!!!!!!!
         and 
FINALLY Bury that F*cken HORSE!!



 

karma is a bitch...and for once, she isn't me.

xooxox

who Knew it would be like waiting to be bitten by a werewolf... or eric northman for that matter ...
MEowwwwwww!!!!!

I have and I will continue to ...

BE...

very busy , which is good because cause it keeps the "Bah humbug" away....

I have had a ton of jewelry to make (which is good) but I have to be so frugal about what I can buy but I can say it has made me more concise with my choices and designs...

 tighting everything UP!

I guess that is a good thing.... as I do my kiegels (sp) as I type this.... lol!!!

i am trying NOT to get over whelmed,
and run,
run.....a way.

I am moving
~ actually found a really cute place...
 i cannot believe I am moving back to snobsdale.. oh sorry I mean Scottsdale
but I am on the outskirts
and still have my own tit & lips, so I will not blend in ...
though i never do or did ...

but........
at least I will be closer to my work
and possibly a New JOb I am gunning for when it becomes avail at the New Year!

also

I closed a MAJOR chapter in my life on Sunday...
I have come to realize that I can handle dissapointment ...
as long as:
I learn from it ...
and
MOVE ON....

 I think I have....
and
now,

I know, I can.

21/12/2011

many...

Many......

MANY THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that's all I got for today !!!

If I ever feel better.....

... I'll let you know...

3 good things to report though:

1. hard work pays off...

Picking up computer from Mrs. Claus today and should be up and running soon after that.

2. Soon New House, already new attitude.

3. Had an emotional cleanse on Sunday

now I know that some ~ MOST~ of what has made me sooooo sad AND confused over the last months well okay, more like year + ~ was necessary to my evolution.... {yes that's right some of us on this side of the pond STILL believe in evolution~ Darwin is a Hero of mine in fact!}

anyhoo that stuff is for another post in deed...
gotta get back to "real" work

many smiles your way...

Did you miss me .....?

Because I actually missed YOU...

I only have a minute or two so this will be a quick check in..


Some things have been GREAT - i.e. I found a new Place to Live so I will not be homeless in a few weeks AND i was told by an elf that I am getting tires & a computer for the Holidays

Brilliant, I tell you ~  Brilliant news!!!! 


due to time constraints and me wanting to end on a high note, we will save the yucky stuff for a later post...

I do hope all are well & that I get to catch y'all up soon!

Ciao for now

D Day for my computer...a.k.a Argghhghhhhhhh Day

I have to turn my computer into my boss today...Argghhhhghhghhh as i have grown quite fond of this thing!

funny when we take ownership of things that are clearly not ours...
I always knew it was NOT my computer
but having had the use of it for so long, I feel as if it is mine ~
there is a life lesson there I am sure of it...
another Argghhghhhhhh as some if these: "life lessons," I am being taught, just REALLY have bad timing.....,

Ya know?!?!?!?!?!?

anyway,

she has ben asking for it to sync something or other but also I need {that f*ckin word again} to deal with the fact that that the computer is not mine, but hers ...
 ARGHHHHHHHGHHHHhhhhhh

I may have her back sooner, rather than later
but
with my luck of late, it will be the latter
~ though, I will gladly accept a happier outcome if the gods are listening ...

{pretty please??}

just wanted to give the mouse in my pocket a heads up:
that if I don't come back to "chat" for a bit it's not because i don't want to it is because it is not possible but when it is I will be back with a big piece of cheese!!

I leave you with this amazing Thom Yorke song that still floors me... not very christmasy but it is fitting for my mood today

Well since I'm using Radiohead to explain myself today...
I hope it is more like this...

puss, Puss, for now!!

the weather outside was frightful....

so I ordered pizza {exciting because I haven't had it in ages, and I LOVE pizza...puts a smile on my face just typing the word-- Pizza.  It could save the world if people would just let it .... Give in, I did },

anyhoo, 

I mixed a few VERY good {if I may say so myself... and I just did because this is after all, my blog... he he he ....} and caught up with a good friend on the phone, watched a few movies I sorta wanted to see but didn't The Dilemma {actually kinda of funny and sweet gotta LOVE Vince Vaughn...or at least I do: Funny, Tall & Witty --THE tri-fecta, ohhh Hold up I guess not because he is also quite handsome --- a girl like me can only dream of all these qualities in ONE Man (thought i found it but not so/wrong time/was scared once I had it etc. etc....} much less find him walking the streets of my little slice of Hell here in AZ !!! he he he

but enough about this state as I do NO want to end on a bad note -- as soo many of my posts of late have been "debbie downers" -- sorry but as Popeye says "I yam what I yam!!!!"  I can't fake it when I am sad and I for SURE cant fake it when I am HAPPY!!!!

i long for inner contentment as I have known in the past- yes, most of the time these have been fleeting moments... sometimes they were on the side of a mountain, or getting lost in a book or in the arms/lips of another or in the understanding of a major thought/philosophy/song...
but I have come to realize lately that these are the things I draw on to get me through days like I have been having as of late....

this is what I hope i get for xmas.

gotta g to bed now
i have to teach a beading class tomorrow for the first time - YIKES {for them and me!!!! LOL!!!}...

wish me ~ THEM Luck !!!!
smiles

blah day will not make for a blah nite!!!!

I'm going to go and shake my booty,
i hope we ALL have a good nite...

Adios!!!

What Geroge says...

Ciao for now...

I miss this...

and this...

           To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.

– Joseph Chilton Pearce

as I know it is WITHIN ME to find a successful way through all of this...

so i leave you with this...

here's to a better tomorrow - oh I guess that would be a better TODAY!!!  

nighty night ....
...

missing home...

oh and this one too...

blog at ya later...

Today is F@cked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND i HAVE to
find a BETTER way of 
DEALING with IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's the deep end of the pool tonight kids...

NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

disclaimer:

pls note empty wine bottle....
                                 
        me finishing my exercises because i think & write better after i exert/expend
                    energy...Entropy, it's REAL  Mutha fukaaaaaaassssssszzzzzz!!!!!!


okay, okay I promised you deep thoughts... and i had them, I swear I did...
when I began to type this post, I had amazing thoughts ...
when I was showering, I was thinking about what I would be writing about tonight on my blog...
as I do my BEST thinking in the shower I must say,
and the Gods know,
i have oh so much to say but so ohhhhh so much of it ,
does NOT need to be heard .... {or blogged}

yes that is right,
some of us Americans are self deprecating,
semi-humble {at times...}
and I realize how much luckier than most, I am -- even on my worst days...
hence the need to express that my post for tonight is not just me, "bitching to bitch"  as most Americans do...
{shout out to my Russian, Malaysian & German friends....  oh and the mouse in my pocket}

i feel like a fish out of water,  AGAIN
- really always have -

which explains why I have been drawn to the particular men/people/science/cultures/literature/music/philosophies that I am
which are not all that "american,"all of my life.
So I guess I should not be surprised about my mind set of today...
or the last several for that matter..... .... ....

CeCe in The Gingerbread Cookie Caper...

i think it would be prudent of me to sign off and revisit this tomorrow when i am less drunk and HIGH off of Gingerbread cookies, that I made because I realized my blog was going nowhere ...

so i leave you with this...

over and out

  

1/12/2011

for now...