somone has home on her mind...

missing, my cali friends ,  the sound of crashing waves, the Feel of SAND between my toes, moisture in the air & amazing sunsets!!!!!

not L.A. but my beloved Cardiff by the Sea

{actually I may go & see a friend in Arcadia & Dana Point as well!}

This Summer WILL be a good one, I am SURE of it!

starting with YACHT tonight!*

*EDIT: Okay I was an idiot & read invite wrong so I will be enjoying YACHT on June 12TH ironically enough my mom's B-day...i will be sure to raise a glass
either way today was already better due to friends...
even though I did not find a job...YET
 I AM FOCUSING ON The Positive... seg way into: tomorrow nite should be fun,
as i have a lot of girl friends that want to have some FUN and remind ME how to!

many smiles, puss puss

my pursuit of being...

"You abandon yourself, then start looking for satisfaction. You feel that there’s something missing, so you are always searching, becoming more and more frantic as all the things you acquire or accomplish don’t fill you. This whole pattern occurs because you have stopped being. If you just let yourself be there, there is nowhere to go, nothing to look for, because it’s all there." ~A.H. Almaas 

p.s. Job hunting SUCKS!

 but it could be worse... much worse.

F*ck it has been But I got through that

so I can get through this rough patch

AND be a HAPPY Human, Again!

word/mental thought for now....

 

off to do more push ups and leg lifts to get to sleep...

puss puss

...

even me.

 

 

 

in case you were wondering....

honestly...THIS is what I am looking for in my NEAR future ...

i am not gonna lie ...

"What we have to remember is that we can still do anything. We can change our minds. We can start over. Get a post-bac or try writing for the first time. The notion that it's too late to do anything is comical. It's hilarious....we MUST not lose this sense of possibility because in the end, it's all we have."
                                                     ~ Marina Keegan  R.I.P 2012

Im walking...

no running a way....

striving....

what more do I have to loose?

nothing.

Desiderata**

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
Without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Be yourself.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

Be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

It is a beautiful world. Strive to be happy.

                                      by Max Ehrmann

** a friend posted this on her blog today and I HAD to "borrow" it - i knew after reading it ~ it was destined to be the voice I would replay in my mind today when things get rough.
Thank You for the little things when the big ones are so f*cked right now!

going to bed with some gold

... but i am trying to change that now.



all I got for today...

It's a Paulo day, again...

"Life is too short, or too long, for me to allow myself the luxury of living it badly"
                                                                                                            - Paulo Coelho

I am just Now really learning what this means...

and realizing that the last 2 years of loss/pain/introspection/change....

and now growth can be added to the list,I guess ...

very painful growth, but growth non the less.

NOW...

i am about to learn how true THIS is...

as I have just found out today that tomorrow is my last day work...!!!

I have just gone thru 2 crappy years of forced:

LOSS i.e. my son ~STILL too difficult to try to even type/think/dream/talk about.. and love.

CHANGE i.e. I had to MOVE from my beloved cardiff by the sea, CA were i had been for the last 14 years of my life back to God forsaken AZ;

GROWTH i.e. take some responsibility for some of my past-past/more recent past & present F*CK ups that i have made 

LEARNING i.e. Who I really am now after all of the fore mentioned & more but I choose not to even dig up those graves...as they are not what is holding me prisoner these days....

 NOW with this latest "change" in my life...i.e. NO more  job....

I feel I may have been given the chance to face what I think is my final HURDLE:

        FEAR 

...to do something I haven't done since I was YOUNG & FEARLESS... pick up and MOVE ~

 start nEW some where ... OUT THERE?!??!?????????

i am sure "it" isn't HERE (in AZ)!!!! in many more ways than one,...i have a few ideas of where "it" may be .... much to think about  

sooo

NO time LIKE the present!!

now, to figure out Where "it" is & start to DO what ever it takes to get "it" Done!!!!!!

enough of my lamenting...for now {doe eyes}

I am off to the shower as I am still blessed with wonderful friends, a few are going to take me out to keep my mind occupied; try and Cheer me up because of work...

still have to finish exercises before I go out so I need to chop chop!

smiles...well smirk really... but at least that's sumthin' timidly positive ?!?!???

OFF to go practice being Young & Fearless Again!!!

Ciao!!!

Grattis

it is clear you make each other very happy

and there is no greater gift in life to be given

Cheers to you BOTH!!!

                    even if i do not want to right now...

As I have been told I have no idea what wonderful things life has in store for me, just right around the corner!!!

 CSNY always reminds me
of my climbing days...
GOOD Times!!
... i think they may not
ALL be over,
if i have anything to do with it!

SOON...!!!

off to finish my exercises and maybe a necklace or two...

OOh and maybe a glass of wine, too.

so true.

my mind...

...i know it is up to me if i am going Up or down.

If i walk the walk...

it would be safer to stick to this....

...i plead the 5th

trying...?

Main focus for me tonight ...

      Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one.
                                                                                     ~ Stella Adler

....

... off to make some jewelery and drink some wine

i am out !!

i get it...

“For some reason or other man looks for the miracle, and to accomplish it he will wade through blood. He will debauch himself with ideas, he will reduce himself to a shadow if for only one second of his life he can close his eyes to the hideousness of reality.”

— Henry Miller, Tropic of Cancer

“You’re getting older, and you’ll see that life isn’t like your fairy tales. The world is a cruel place. And you’ll learn that, even if it hurts. Magic does not exist. Not for you, me, or anyone else.”
                                                                                 ~ Pan’s Labyrinth

...but I completely understand the urge to try.

precisely...

J.D Salinger, The Catcher In The Rye

Reality and Truth rolled ALL up into one ...

and it is probably for the Best.

if I have learned NOTHING from this day...

I at least learned this...

some things are even too crazy for me to understand...
.

simply

I am sorry for being an ass.

Up to this point I have been unable to...

wish me Luck in doing a better job of it!

...cause so far, I SUCK!
i had a moment & then lost it like a greased pig...