31/12/2011

i am OVER packing....and I am only HALF done!!!!

tonight will be better,
                          I will make sure of it...

"Seacrest OUT"...does he even say that anymore??? f*ck if I know as I don't watch any of his shows anyway....gods im tired

okay, simply...
Good NIte!

Moving.....

Argghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I hate to MOVE

I know i will be happy when ALL is said and done... but it is New Years weekend... I actually have fun stuff to do ... but I am packing....
 and cleaning...
and now, whining {be happy you cannot hear me For real!}

All I REALLY want to do~  is go out and have FUN...  {I must be going through something..}
enh....
 I will over analyze myself later...
not in the mood tonight...
             to much other SHIT to do...

so I think I will go and buy a Bottle of Pino Grigio -
 Pump up the tunes
and see how much more of this "bitch" I can get packed

before my MOM shows up..... (yes, I said my MOM)
da dah dummmmmmmmmm {that is the scarey music....}

 SHE will venture to Phx to come and help me clean my house for the move ... Hopefully she will NOT show up at the crack of dawn ...pretty please!!!   
My Plan is... while she cleans the zillions of blinds and Kitchen { I will hide from her by pull weeds & mowing the yard to get away from her.... }

love ya Mom but you are VERY Grumpy these days - well all days but you're my MOM and I love you
and the way YOU Clean!!!!

now on that note I will leave you this AMAZING gem of a video that my friend found for me to get me out of my funk... ENJOY!!!
 cause THIS bitch can Hang WITH the streets.....

gotta love "school girls" who spit some Dr. Dre!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
                Straight out of COmpton, WHat???!??!?!?!

faster.. louder...Stronger... BETTER!!!!!

beyond excited as I think i am lucky enough to have some cali sand in my near future

happy birthday to me
and ...W

XXOOXOOXOOX

28/12/2011

Cheers!!!

still have a smile on my face...

the best way to describe last night...

Still trying to nurse myself back from last night/this morning..

but ALL was worth it!!!

Merry Christmas to me after all!!
{still happy it is over...christmas that is} but I have a feeling this New Years will be exactly that New and filled with FUN! ...

yes that is right, me & the mouse in my pocket, are actually looking on the bright side of life... hear the whistling? cue in MOnthy Python music from Life of Brian....
"always look at the BRIGHT side of life........."

Many SMiles your way world!!!!

thank the gods it is almost over...

Christmas that is...

sorry, too soon?
to be happy that it is over...

look I have always been weird about such "pagan" :) {take that Fox News...} holidays
when you studied poly sci, philosophy, humanities, literature (afro-american & English), philosophy, sociology and economics...you learn things about such Holidays...

it just always gets my panties in a wad {had to spell check that bad boy! lol} -- yes I used that phrase...even after I just threw down that I took philosophy LOL emh...
I digress,
in my mind, X-mas just reminds me that people CAN actually be nice, giving & kind to one another- for no reason but to feel the "love"... so I wonder why they can not show this more than the few random days in a calender year you weirdos* have chosen...{*i use the term "weirdos that in jest people... I'm agnostic by the way}

on that note..
I gotta scram and take my ALL god self to my Mom's house for some Way tasty viddle {yes, I used this term as well}...My MOm is an amazing cook, her food makes the Holidays bearable

after that ill roll home
 try & do a few exercises before I shower & go Dance my ass off again tonight

Feliz Navida!!!!

25/12/2011

I am REALLY looking forward to the NEW YEAR!!! 

She's gone, LONG gone...

Old habits die hard....updated

 Misunderstandings Suck...
words do hurt...but things unsaid can fester...
getting mad and then refusing to listen makes for arguments...
YOU not being as empathetic or understanding as those have been to you
sucks/hurts even more...

 but what you really heard in my voice, as it got louder...
 was disappointment...
I thought WE had done more "work"... gotten farther....

I thought we moved from one place to another...
 I thought you were no longer hyper sensitive ... much less hyper sensitive to OUR past mistakes...
I know I am -- clearly by the many & varied conversations we have had over the last several months...
 you are certainly okay with others' failure {and revel in their admission of it} but rarely can you speak of your own in realistic terms...

part of being truly sorry for something is understanding how it hurt the other person whether you meant to or not-- whether you felt justified in hurting them or not..,

Not sure How you can be so comfortable with all of the flaws and folly that I have copped to.... ultimately "comprehending" why it was hard on you...
... but some how YOU never did anything wrong...??????
really ???

You really want to stand by every lame thing you did while we were together and say it was ALL completely justifiable and ABSOLVE ABLE because you are "YOU."
and
since YOU FEEL you were justified at "that moment" that 8 years later it is apparently STILL Justifiable to THIS DAY??!?!?!?....
i get the ~that "moment" part BUT the "to this day.".. part...?

                 Wow, .... really...?!?!?

... I mean you are almost doubling down - like if you had it to do over again you would do it exactly that way all over again...???
wtf?

THAT is the part that rubbed me wrong ...to an elevated voice...

I look back at some of the stupid shit I did and say, "Hey not Cool Melissa..."and have even humbly shared such Epiphanies with YOU...
but
you,
tonight...
so YOU are really trying to tell me you are still completely cool with ALL of the shit you dished out- NOT all justifiable by the way- even BEFORE "G" ~ {really it all started with Jenn } but of course since you do not see it that way -- i am not allowed to see it that way either....
Right?!?!?!?

Well I will give you this, You have lost NONE of your HUBRIS, that is for sure!
I have been so true & real with you this last year... { which has not always been easy for me or my ego...} i feel my actions have supported these words & that I have been there for you......

how quickly the worm turned...
You hear one thing that you do not like/agree with and it is like old times...
I can say nothing right...
you don't listen in order to change your mind or gain knowledge, you listen with the main intent to fashion a rope in which to either trip up or preferably hang your adversary with....
II hate being your adversary.

You are BEYOND sensitive about your past choices,
you may communicate now but you did NOT back then...
You act as if, were You to actually admit today to being an Ass in the PAST-- that the sky would fall TODAY !!!!

When you DO...sort of, finally admit to being an "Ass".... in the Past, of course...it is only because there is a VERY specific reason why someone or something made you be an Ass...
not "oh yeah, I fucked up that time I..." or
 "I was still learning about myself when I ..." or
 "chalk that up to a rough time in my life when I..." etc., etc. ...

I will NEVER understand Nor will I ever be comfortable with a person who feels that every shitty thing they ever did was a" "karmic wash" or justified because of the actions or perceived actions {in some cases} of someone or something and not of their own choice ...

sometimes WE ALL do stupid shit ...some times we make bad choices and it sucks...
and we hopefully LEARN from it... but whether we mean to or not damage was done...

sometimes the lame shit we did, which was intended to Mame at the time -- can be forgiven, heck even understood on some levels, if when hypothetically given the chance YOU would not want to these things over again...not exactly any way...
to be purposefully HURTFUL that is ...
I think when this is realized, then ... one is truly sorry.
Period.

End of story...

that is what i call a Good Human Being {and when we learn from our mistakes we sculpt better souls...}

Now that I got that out
I'm going to go dance this shit out ...

attitude adjustment happening...

to be continued...

not feeling very christmasy....

.

i will try very hard to change my 'tude....

Chocolate, Vodka and music...

happy holidays to me...

Change in plans...

no longer going out tonight.

People never cease to amaze me... {unfortunately not for the better most of the time...}
but You can always move better when you get rid of the "dead" weight in one's life. {ohh and when you are not fucking that "dead weight"  it makes things a lot easier!!}

loyalty is a dying trait

but in me, it is still strong

the only thing that has changed for me is,  I no longer am loyal to those that are not to me, i guess it is the viking in me...

I do not expect perfection from anyone as I am far from perfect nor enjoy spending my time with those who are...
but
i have come to learn the formula for good karma and it looks something like this:
respect + honesty = friendship...
these, I can not live without, in any relationship I have now.

i am too old for the bullshit
 and these days... I really do not have the need or the will to dish it back out...the bullshit, that is...

no need to go out into the night with this chip on my shoulder...
no one wears bitterness well, not even me

tomorrow is a New Day & tomorrow nite.... a new evening to dance & be merry without a bad taste in my mouth 

now off to make a liquid concoction of my own, maybe enjoy a .... & catch up on my Politics while I make some more jewelry into the wee hours of the night...

not a bad "plan B"

here's to hoping KNOWING tomorrow nite has a bit more laughs and a LOT more dancing!!!!!

blog @ ya later!

Tonight...

The Devil on my back will either have to Dance with ME 
or find Another partner!!!!!!!! 

       my graceless heart and I 
          are going to
       SHAKE IT OUT!!!!!!!!!
         and 
FINALLY Bury that F*cken HORSE!!



 

karma is a bitch...and for once, she isn't me.

xooxox

who Knew it would be like waiting to be bitten by a werewolf... or eric northman for that matter ...
MEowwwwwww!!!!!

I have and I will continue to ...

BE...

very busy , which is good because cause it keeps the "Bah humbug" away....

I have had a ton of jewelry to make (which is good) but I have to be so frugal about what I can buy but I can say it has made me more concise with my choices and designs...

 tighting everything UP!

I guess that is a good thing.... as I do my kiegels (sp) as I type this.... lol!!!

i am trying NOT to get over whelmed,
and run,
run.....a way.

I am moving
~ actually found a really cute place...
 i cannot believe I am moving back to snobsdale.. oh sorry I mean Scottsdale
but I am on the outskirts
and still have my own tit & lips, so I will not blend in ...
though i never do or did ...

but........
at least I will be closer to my work
and possibly a New JOb I am gunning for when it becomes avail at the New Year!

also

I closed a MAJOR chapter in my life on Sunday...
I have come to realize that I can handle dissapointment ...
as long as:
I learn from it ...
and
MOVE ON....

 I think I have....
and
now,

I know, I can.

21/12/2011

many...

Many......

MANY THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that's all I got for today !!!

If I ever feel better.....

... I'll let you know...

3 good things to report though:

1. hard work pays off...

Picking up computer from Mrs. Claus today and should be up and running soon after that.

2. Soon New House, already new attitude.

3. Had an emotional cleanse on Sunday

now I know that some ~ MOST~ of what has made me sooooo sad AND confused over the last months well okay, more like year + ~ was necessary to my evolution.... {yes that's right some of us on this side of the pond STILL believe in evolution~ Darwin is a Hero of mine in fact!}

anyhoo that stuff is for another post in deed...
gotta get back to "real" work

many smiles your way...

Did you miss me .....?

Because I actually missed YOU...

I only have a minute or two so this will be a quick check in..


Some things have been GREAT - i.e. I found a new Place to Live so I will not be homeless in a few weeks AND i was told by an elf that I am getting tires & a computer for the Holidays

Brilliant, I tell you ~  Brilliant news!!!! 


due to time constraints and me wanting to end on a high note, we will save the yucky stuff for a later post...

I do hope all are well & that I get to catch y'all up soon!

Ciao for now

D Day for my computer...a.k.a Argghhghhhhhhh Day

I have to turn my computer into my boss today...Argghhhhghhghhh as i have grown quite fond of this thing!

funny when we take ownership of things that are clearly not ours...
I always knew it was NOT my computer
but having had the use of it for so long, I feel as if it is mine ~
there is a life lesson there I am sure of it...
another Argghhghhhhhh as some if these: "life lessons," I am being taught, just REALLY have bad timing.....,

Ya know?!?!?!?!?!?

anyway,

she has ben asking for it to sync something or other but also I need {that f*ckin word again} to deal with the fact that that the computer is not mine, but hers ...
 ARGHHHHHHHGHHHHhhhhhh

I may have her back sooner, rather than later
but
with my luck of late, it will be the latter
~ though, I will gladly accept a happier outcome if the gods are listening ...

{pretty please??}

just wanted to give the mouse in my pocket a heads up:
that if I don't come back to "chat" for a bit it's not because i don't want to it is because it is not possible but when it is I will be back with a big piece of cheese!!

I leave you with this amazing Thom Yorke song that still floors me... not very christmasy but it is fitting for my mood today

Well since I'm using Radiohead to explain myself today...
I hope it is more like this...

puss, Puss, for now!!

the weather outside was frightful....

so I ordered pizza {exciting because I haven't had it in ages, and I LOVE pizza...puts a smile on my face just typing the word-- Pizza.  It could save the world if people would just let it .... Give in, I did },

anyhoo, 

I mixed a few VERY good {if I may say so myself... and I just did because this is after all, my blog... he he he ....} and caught up with a good friend on the phone, watched a few movies I sorta wanted to see but didn't The Dilemma {actually kinda of funny and sweet gotta LOVE Vince Vaughn...or at least I do: Funny, Tall & Witty --THE tri-fecta, ohhh Hold up I guess not because he is also quite handsome --- a girl like me can only dream of all these qualities in ONE Man (thought i found it but not so/wrong time/was scared once I had it etc. etc....} much less find him walking the streets of my little slice of Hell here in AZ !!! he he he

but enough about this state as I do NO want to end on a bad note -- as soo many of my posts of late have been "debbie downers" -- sorry but as Popeye says "I yam what I yam!!!!"  I can't fake it when I am sad and I for SURE cant fake it when I am HAPPY!!!!

i long for inner contentment as I have known in the past- yes, most of the time these have been fleeting moments... sometimes they were on the side of a mountain, or getting lost in a book or in the arms/lips of another or in the understanding of a major thought/philosophy/song...
but I have come to realize lately that these are the things I draw on to get me through days like I have been having as of late....

this is what I hope i get for xmas.

gotta g to bed now
i have to teach a beading class tomorrow for the first time - YIKES {for them and me!!!! LOL!!!}...

wish me ~ THEM Luck !!!!
smiles

blah day will not make for a blah nite!!!!

I'm going to go and shake my booty,
i hope we ALL have a good nite...

Adios!!!

What Geroge says...

Ciao for now...

I miss this...

and this...

           To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.

– Joseph Chilton Pearce

as I know it is WITHIN ME to find a successful way through all of this...

so i leave you with this...

here's to a better tomorrow - oh I guess that would be a better TODAY!!!  

nighty night ....
...

missing home...

oh and this one too...

blog at ya later...

Today is F@cked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND i HAVE to
find a BETTER way of 
DEALING with IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's the deep end of the pool tonight kids...

NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

disclaimer:

pls note empty wine bottle....
                                 
        me finishing my exercises because i think & write better after i exert/expend
                    energy...Entropy, it's REAL  Mutha fukaaaaaaassssssszzzzzz!!!!!!


okay, okay I promised you deep thoughts... and i had them, I swear I did...
when I began to type this post, I had amazing thoughts ...
when I was showering, I was thinking about what I would be writing about tonight on my blog...
as I do my BEST thinking in the shower I must say,
and the Gods know,
i have oh so much to say but so ohhhhh so much of it ,
does NOT need to be heard .... {or blogged}

yes that is right,
some of us Americans are self deprecating,
semi-humble {at times...}
and I realize how much luckier than most, I am -- even on my worst days...
hence the need to express that my post for tonight is not just me, "bitching to bitch"  as most Americans do...
{shout out to my Russian, Malaysian & German friends....  oh and the mouse in my pocket}

i feel like a fish out of water,  AGAIN
- really always have -

which explains why I have been drawn to the particular men/people/science/cultures/literature/music/philosophies that I am
which are not all that "american,"all of my life.
So I guess I should not be surprised about my mind set of today...
or the last several for that matter..... .... ....

CeCe in The Gingerbread Cookie Caper...

i think it would be prudent of me to sign off and revisit this tomorrow when i am less drunk and HIGH off of Gingerbread cookies, that I made because I realized my blog was going nowhere ...

so i leave you with this...

over and out

  

1/12/2011

for now...

Tonight's quote ...

as I have nothing to say for myself, that is positive anyway...
oh wait...I do have a few things - positive that is: A) I know I have a few people that still care for me and B) I ate a good meal today

pretty huh...?

many smiles your way...

Life SUCKS right now...

but THIS doesn't..

 

i'm trying NOT to panic here...

There is beauty in MY breakdown...???

I need take a moment
          breathe...
& let GO OOOOOhhh.....
 being scared just means I am alive

NO Rhianna tonite...

arggghhh I guess that means the weekend is officially over....

I had a lot of fun this weekend ... met some very interesting people -- come to think of it, I got rid of one as well -- as thinning the heard is sometimes necessary but even still the last several days were filled with lots of laughing, Music, dancing, drinking, walking, drinking, laughing and more dancing... 

but I know in my heart, i was just keeping myself busy so I would not fixate on {freak OUT} about all that I NEED {that word again!!!} to be DOing!!

i must remember, the only way to successfully eat an entire elephant is one small piece at a time ....

fuck...okay I'm pouring a glass of wine and taking a bath cause that solves everything ... Right?

wish me luck in getting to sleep....

Yep, I'm doin' it again tonight...

 Dancing, I am finding, 

   is better than doing boring old squats at my place...

        Laughing & Smiling, I am finding, 

                is better than

   stressing & frowning at my place too!!!

I'm off....

My Thanksgiving wish for us all....

but for now my future is a warm bath, a few exercises and some rest
for tomorrow nite we Dance & Laugh again...

Don't Let the bastards let you down....

Life's too short.....

I have much thanks for many on this day and many more ...


turning it around....

Yeah,  yeah, YEAH, YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! 


XXOOOXX

smiles

and

Cheers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling a bit better

already done with work and in getting my music ready for my workout I stumbled upon this little gem which I have not heard in forever but never the less it put a huge smile on my face and made me move.... yes the video is a bit cheesy at times but the song is still Fresh!!!!   enjoy....

                     

I got nuthin' tonight ...

what can I say, It was another Fucked Monday...
Don't get me wrong, I am HAPPY it is over !!!

 cue Monty Python song...hear the whistling.... "Always look on the bright side of life"... whistling...

I made up my mind and I am NOT doing my exercises tonight!!!!
I'm the BOSS of ME!!! (plus I barely ate the last 2 days) and I am DOG tired...

Sat night was a "hum dinger," as they used to say eons ago, except by me--- the excitement of Sat/Sun is partly why food was not required all that much yesterday & today I was too busy and then too tired...had old school yellow mustard & ham sandwich and loved every morsel of it...no cooking, cleaning required

yes I'm slap happy this evening
but I sooooooo should be sleeping right NOW...
Im tired, I have a mtg tomorrow morning and need my brain and wits about me to function in it so I NEED to shut it down,
my mind that is...
stressed to gills, I feel but I keep reminding myself when I am about to loose it...
 
now, cue SNL Stuart Smiley skit ... Darn it, I am good enough!!!!! I DO like Myself!!!! ....LOL...

I may be joking with myself but one thing is true:

 I can do this!
I have done this before ....  a few times in fact
AND can do it again...

"I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth." - Umberto Eco

nighty night!

19 / 11 / 2011

I'm a pessimist because of intelligence, 
but an optimist because of will.
- Antonio Gramsci 

i will BE tonight...

my stolen thought for today...

We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, 
so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
Joseph Campbell

                   
         

It is a Paulo, Ray and Mark day...

“if pain must come, may it come quickly. because i have a life to live, and i need to live it in the best possible. if he has to make a choice, may he make it now. then i will either wait for him or forget him. waiting is painful. forgetting is painful. but not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.”  ― Paulo Coelho

 

                      

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. 
-Mark Twain 

 

 

See, I told you....

I can be a brat, at times...

Okay, so here's the deal,
I am a firm believer in karma and after doing my exercises { and a bong hit... or two ... }
after all that ...
I found my way to focus on this being my final thought for tonight...

i wish us all, only the best...

sleep now...

{ yes again note the time... but at least it's better than today... }

tonight, World...

adios!
for the night....

NEED...

Yes, I'm still Up...

and

Yes... all i am doing is
thinking....

Thoughts, moving up and down in my mind... 

wearing on me like I'm Sisyphus baring the weight of a boulder of the Gods making... 

still thinking... 

doing a lot of philosophizing
as my friends would say {would actually, make fun of me really}
and others,
might just call it whining...

well buckle in folks, because that is pretty much all this post is about... 

me and MY too much thinking... 

{Realizing I failed to do enough of it, thinking, that is...in my past & Now, of course, I do too much...}

but hopefully i am on the way to finding a balance,
an equilibrium of my ethos,
pathos
and logos
{not just my thoughts}... 

as you {and the mouse in my pocket}
read this blog...
and I type... 

i just wish
I could turn off my brain these days... 

but I know better. 

I am not so sure I am supposed to stop trying
to figure shit out... 

no
i know I'm not supposed to...
that always proves to be more dangerous when I do... 

As I was starting to go down road(s)already traveled.

i will not
do that
to myself...
again. 

I've been lost there -- i mean really lost there,
a few times
but
I know there is NO real there,
THERE.
... you know? 

....{Who am I kidding I knew then, hence the reason why I left...yeah me, the measly "5%'er"...the one you choose to sit on her beach blanket that summer, get married to etc. etc}....{I guess I should be happy that I even "rate" on the scale, much less made it to the 5% rage...lol}...

But
I do not want to be bitter
or seem
or sound bitter...

as I remind myself
that my failed marriage
was and is not the only
life lesson
that has brought me
to my base, 

to my knees, 

...has tested my true mores
in almost everything
and in almost every degree fathomable... 

As my anxiety rushes through me, 

I am reminded why I feel
so
...off balance, 

so
out of step in my mind

...with my emotions. 

~ Tis the season...
{and I mean that sarcastically}
as Thanksgiving creeps upon us...

then christmas, 

New Years {which I actually like},

another one of Jake's Birthday's...

mine...

the other ...
that other....
....
moi encule!!!!

Let's just keep it short ~
Much Loss,
of family,
of friends,
of parts of me... 

hmmm...
let's see probably could do with a few examples...?

Well let's see,
to start...

my "brother" Adam, who was {is} an amazing life long friend,
not my blood brother {that is an Iron Maiden/Queensrÿche bleeding human{a shout out to my real bio brother, E...lol} 

But Adam...dear Adam... 

It is the 2nd anniversary of him committing suicide...

{just a few days ago, actually...}
this "anniversary"...
I lit a candle
in his honor,
{as I did last year & will do every year}...

I listened to some of his favorite music,

had a few drinks for him -- vodka of course,

thought of good times,
our mutual friends....

{I am compelled to point out, How sad it is... the "fall out" of suicide, which can cause deep fishers to form with-in and amongst friends as everyone deals with it in their own way...some i fear, you loose forever.}...

but enough about that...

back to finding something to smile about Adam...
not hard to do, let's see...

Oh! I Thought naughty thoughts- as this would make Adam smile as only Adam did...
and was doing...
at all times { more smiles here...as he was such a funny, witty human}...
and "I" 
got to be
his friend
and scooter partner
so many funny,
wonderful
memories...

really just tried to touch on all the things that he would have done, if
he
was still
here
today....

let it be known: I forgave Adam for decision, 
choice...
what he did...
As, he was in so much pain
and life
can be so to cruel
to us
when we are at our worst.....

I Love and miss you much.

enough about that... 

let's see, back to something lighter???.... 

uhhhhmmmmm.....
I have a really fucked up family "unit" 

{too much to type there, you'll just have to trust me on this one, you'd agree}... 

a lot of loss...

definitely some regrets,
but All with a true understanding
that -- not much of it was of my making,
nor really in my control for that matter and
therefore,
could not be undone... 

so better to learn
and
let go.

uhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....
Lets see,
what else am I anxious about...

{trust me I could do this for houurrrrs People ...oh & mouse}...

I have to move.

...
and I really,
Really ---
hate
Hate
HATE
to MOVE....

But
I have to!!! 

what makes it even harder
and harder even still...
{as I am so trying NOT to be a BRAT, not sure if i am succeeding here}...

crickets...

Okay, Let me explain:
my original moving plan was to move back "home"
to Cali...

So. Co.

my beloved Cardiff by the Sea 

BUT 

because I need to be responsible....
{again, moi encule!!!!}

and i need to keep a job...
see the job I have now... was supposed to terminate at the end of Oct and the Lease for my house is Up @ the end of December ...
so "kismet"
i thought it was MY time to....
do for me {after the year I've had...}
hence...
the planned move...
Home.

but then I was asked to teach jewelery making classes -- which really should make me jump for Joy...{and it does sorta} ...

BUT...
that means staying... 

Here 

in AZ.

even though... it's turning into a part time job,

not enough hours -- so I may need to get yet another part time job, so that I can pay all my bills... 

But

still,

it is a job.

and it's in art...
which I have always dreamed... 

and
because the economy is sooo fucking bad,
and my friend said I could have the room I was going to rent, when ever...

I should sit tight!
Be Happy,
content
blah
blah
blaaaahhhh................

FUCK!
  I get it....

right now,

anyone is "lucky" to have ANY job that they presently have{haunt}.... 

so I cannot walk away,

not right now... 

because it is just not smart.

Not right now anyway..... 

I will stay.

but I know I can & know I will endure
staying here...
{But only until I can take the heat no longer}...
like this coming Spring...

and then

I will fly the coupe,
again -- 

for
Home,

the Ocean,

good friends, etc etc...

{also permitting that the BIG earth quake I keep dreaming about...doesn't hit home.... i know, i know~ I hate to even blog it... But i do because it's one of those dreams I keep having & usually those are the ones that come true...dreams that is}...

but I digress

again.

I guess, one of my main thought(s)/argument(s)for tonight's post is... {though I am clearly having with myself in the wee hours of the morning}...
 
through the thick and the thin
of the last few years,
months...

I finally, love myself enough to do right by Me 

even when it's hard...

uncomfortable,

seemingly impossible,

not what I want
when I want it... 

when i'm sacred, 

even if I am
lonely
{which I am, sometimes}...

have
very limited resources, 

have uncontrollable forces,

seems more is unknown than known...

soo many variables...

 

I guess you could best describe it as
a blinding {at times paralyzing} darkness,
at times... 

really, I have just about every fear a 3 dimensional ~ thinking girl 
who -- 
{so I have been told}...

"has tits as nice as a high school, school girl" and Who is supposedly "lucky" enough to make the "5 percentile" {due to the custom formula of: looks + brains + kindness ~~~ by the way, both these quotes were made from "Mr. 2%er" himself, so they must be true. LOL... never mind the next obvious question --- "WHO put you in the 2% category, May I ask..?" 

ohh don't worry I can make a good guess...} 

though I guess I cannot be too judgmental of you
for your monster of an ego...
as I too {if I am honest and looking back on it}...
I too...
saw You in that 2 percentile range,

when
I was in Love with you too...

and really...

Who doesn't want THEIR partner to look at them through these Rose Colored Glasses...

and think of them
in this way...

It's a HIGH.

it wasn't until... 

and then that.... 

and then... 

Oh and yes, then that... 

I guess...
that is when "i" - "You" - "we"
just no longer... saw each other
in that way...

in that percentile any more....

the glasses were off...
the "fairy dust" dissipates... 

reality happens...
you clear it from your eyes...
mais l'empreinte est laissé sur nos âmes

both of ours ... 

it seems,if I had to guess...that this is when/where it started to get fucked up?... {depending on the angle from which you gaze at it}...

Huh?

... Look,
don't get it twisted, 

I am not that jaded, nor do I think I ever will be, to that degree... 

I have always enjoyed men...
more than women, as I can get on my own nerves...

but for many, Many reasons...

I enjoy a Man's company 

but .... 

I have never really, in my heart of hearts, felt...

that I needed one
{a man that is}
to define me... 

{which ironically, has proven to be a catch 22 or a High Wire pendulum that I dangle from...in quite a few of my relationships}...

I have often pondered,

at various times/stages in my life & clearly, this evening... {really the past few of them}, as I have had no sleep lately...

Grappling with ~ 

and to be honest, 

fantasizing about:
Need. 

me Needing... 

me being needed...

by someone...

intimately... 

wholly-- like on a soul level... 

I have thought, on several occasions - at various times in my life... 

"Was there something wrong with me?!?!?" 

because I wasn't like a lot of my other friends,

like a lot of women i known, {do know}...

like in most books,

movies,

bars...

to really get so lost in Anothers' need of you-- 

such a dangerous place to tread- Need.

.... {and if you ask me, it could be compared to the fuckin Odyssey and I sooooooo do not want to be Odysseus -- nor do I want to be Penelope either!!!}...

Not because you are forced, to need
but because you are in love
and at that time,

need seems so harmless... 

in fact,

it is intoxicating,
addictive ... 

it carves smooth but deep grooves into the sharp places of our souls...

like water does to a rock canyon. 

definitely altering the landscape,

re-shaping it...

transforming it...

no,
not always harmless

but clearly, having left its imprint...

but arguably Adding more depth & hopefully beauty to the canyon than it had before... 

I'd like to think,
that thinking about all this shit,

is true growth... 

which is why...I am
still up... 

So....

I guess I'll put on some good music,

do some more push ups or leg lifts,

see if that will do the trick.... 

Nighty, night! 

...or really for most normal people at this hour...

Have a good Morning/Day.

*Disclaimer ~  I have not proof read this post yet so please do not judge too harshly or laugh too long at any mental "skips"/leaps/breaks I may have made OR any misspelling, or fucked up word choice much less order.... I promise to re-read & fix later today...

Over & Out!