NEED...

Yes, I'm still Up...

and

Yes... all i am doing is
thinking....

Thoughts, moving up and down in my mind... 

wearing on me like I'm Sisyphus baring the weight of a boulder of the Gods making... 

still thinking... 

doing a lot of philosophizing
as my friends would say {would actually, make fun of me really}
and others,
might just call it whining...

well buckle in folks, because that is pretty much all this post is about... 

me and MY too much thinking... 

{Realizing I failed to do enough of it, thinking, that is...in my past & Now, of course, I do too much...}

but hopefully i am on the way to finding a balance,
an equilibrium of my ethos,
pathos
and logos
{not just my thoughts}... 

as you {and the mouse in my pocket}
read this blog...
and I type... 

i just wish
I could turn off my brain these days... 

but I know better. 

I am not so sure I am supposed to stop trying
to figure shit out... 

no
i know I'm not supposed to...
that always proves to be more dangerous when I do... 

As I was starting to go down road(s)already traveled.

i will not
do that
to myself...
again. 

I've been lost there -- i mean really lost there,
a few times
but
I know there is NO real there,
THERE.
... you know? 

....{Who am I kidding I knew then, hence the reason why I left...yeah me, the measly "5%'er"...the one you choose to sit on her beach blanket that summer, get married to etc. etc}....{I guess I should be happy that I even "rate" on the scale, much less made it to the 5% rage...lol}...

But
I do not want to be bitter
or seem
or sound bitter...

as I remind myself
that my failed marriage
was and is not the only
life lesson
that has brought me
to my base, 

to my knees, 

...has tested my true mores
in almost everything
and in almost every degree fathomable... 

As my anxiety rushes through me, 

I am reminded why I feel
so
...off balance, 

so
out of step in my mind

...with my emotions. 

~ Tis the season...
{and I mean that sarcastically}
as Thanksgiving creeps upon us...

then christmas, 

New Years {which I actually like},

another one of Jake's Birthday's...

mine...

the other ...
that other....
....
moi encule!!!!

Let's just keep it short ~
Much Loss,
of family,
of friends,
of parts of me... 

hmmm...
let's see probably could do with a few examples...?

Well let's see,
to start...

my "brother" Adam, who was {is} an amazing life long friend,
not my blood brother {that is an Iron Maiden/Queensrÿche bleeding human{a shout out to my real bio brother, E...lol} 

But Adam...dear Adam... 

It is the 2nd anniversary of him committing suicide...

{just a few days ago, actually...}
this "anniversary"...
I lit a candle
in his honor,
{as I did last year & will do every year}...

I listened to some of his favorite music,

had a few drinks for him -- vodka of course,

thought of good times,
our mutual friends....

{I am compelled to point out, How sad it is... the "fall out" of suicide, which can cause deep fishers to form with-in and amongst friends as everyone deals with it in their own way...some i fear, you loose forever.}...

but enough about that...

back to finding something to smile about Adam...
not hard to do, let's see...

Oh! I Thought naughty thoughts- as this would make Adam smile as only Adam did...
and was doing...
at all times { more smiles here...as he was such a funny, witty human}...
and "I" 
got to be
his friend
and scooter partner
so many funny,
wonderful
memories...

really just tried to touch on all the things that he would have done, if
he
was still
here
today....

let it be known: I forgave Adam for decision, 
choice...
what he did...
As, he was in so much pain
and life
can be so to cruel
to us
when we are at our worst.....

I Love and miss you much.

enough about that... 

let's see, back to something lighter???.... 

uhhhhmmmmm.....
I have a really fucked up family "unit" 

{too much to type there, you'll just have to trust me on this one, you'd agree}... 

a lot of loss...

definitely some regrets,
but All with a true understanding
that -- not much of it was of my making,
nor really in my control for that matter and
therefore,
could not be undone... 

so better to learn
and
let go.

uhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....
Lets see,
what else am I anxious about...

{trust me I could do this for houurrrrs People ...oh & mouse}...

I have to move.

...
and I really,
Really ---
hate
Hate
HATE
to MOVE....

But
I have to!!! 

what makes it even harder
and harder even still...
{as I am so trying NOT to be a BRAT, not sure if i am succeeding here}...

crickets...

Okay, Let me explain:
my original moving plan was to move back "home"
to Cali...

So. Co.

my beloved Cardiff by the Sea 

BUT 

because I need to be responsible....
{again, moi encule!!!!}

and i need to keep a job...
see the job I have now... was supposed to terminate at the end of Oct and the Lease for my house is Up @ the end of December ...
so "kismet"
i thought it was MY time to....
do for me {after the year I've had...}
hence...
the planned move...
Home.

but then I was asked to teach jewelery making classes -- which really should make me jump for Joy...{and it does sorta} ...

BUT...
that means staying... 

Here 

in AZ.

even though... it's turning into a part time job,

not enough hours -- so I may need to get yet another part time job, so that I can pay all my bills... 

But

still,

it is a job.

and it's in art...
which I have always dreamed... 

and
because the economy is sooo fucking bad,
and my friend said I could have the room I was going to rent, when ever...

I should sit tight!
Be Happy,
content
blah
blah
blaaaahhhh................

FUCK!
  I get it....

right now,

anyone is "lucky" to have ANY job that they presently have{haunt}.... 

so I cannot walk away,

not right now... 

because it is just not smart.

Not right now anyway..... 

I will stay.

but I know I can & know I will endure
staying here...
{But only until I can take the heat no longer}...
like this coming Spring...

and then

I will fly the coupe,
again -- 

for
Home,

the Ocean,

good friends, etc etc...

{also permitting that the BIG earth quake I keep dreaming about...doesn't hit home.... i know, i know~ I hate to even blog it... But i do because it's one of those dreams I keep having & usually those are the ones that come true...dreams that is}...

but I digress

again.

I guess, one of my main thought(s)/argument(s)for tonight's post is... {though I am clearly having with myself in the wee hours of the morning}...
 
through the thick and the thin
of the last few years,
months...

I finally, love myself enough to do right by Me 

even when it's hard...

uncomfortable,

seemingly impossible,

not what I want
when I want it... 

when i'm sacred, 

even if I am
lonely
{which I am, sometimes}...

have
very limited resources, 

have uncontrollable forces,

seems more is unknown than known...

soo many variables...

 

I guess you could best describe it as
a blinding {at times paralyzing} darkness,
at times... 

really, I have just about every fear a 3 dimensional ~ thinking girl 
who -- 
{so I have been told}...

"has tits as nice as a high school, school girl" and Who is supposedly "lucky" enough to make the "5 percentile" {due to the custom formula of: looks + brains + kindness ~~~ by the way, both these quotes were made from "Mr. 2%er" himself, so they must be true. LOL... never mind the next obvious question --- "WHO put you in the 2% category, May I ask..?" 

ohh don't worry I can make a good guess...} 

though I guess I cannot be too judgmental of you
for your monster of an ego...
as I too {if I am honest and looking back on it}...
I too...
saw You in that 2 percentile range,

when
I was in Love with you too...

and really...

Who doesn't want THEIR partner to look at them through these Rose Colored Glasses...

and think of them
in this way...

It's a HIGH.

it wasn't until... 

and then that.... 

and then... 

Oh and yes, then that... 

I guess...
that is when "i" - "You" - "we"
just no longer... saw each other
in that way...

in that percentile any more....

the glasses were off...
the "fairy dust" dissipates... 

reality happens...
you clear it from your eyes...
mais l'empreinte est laissé sur nos âmes

both of ours ... 

it seems,if I had to guess...that this is when/where it started to get fucked up?... {depending on the angle from which you gaze at it}...

Huh?

... Look,
don't get it twisted, 

I am not that jaded, nor do I think I ever will be, to that degree... 

I have always enjoyed men...
more than women, as I can get on my own nerves...

but for many, Many reasons...

I enjoy a Man's company 

but .... 

I have never really, in my heart of hearts, felt...

that I needed one
{a man that is}
to define me... 

{which ironically, has proven to be a catch 22 or a High Wire pendulum that I dangle from...in quite a few of my relationships}...

I have often pondered,

at various times/stages in my life & clearly, this evening... {really the past few of them}, as I have had no sleep lately...

Grappling with ~ 

and to be honest, 

fantasizing about:
Need. 

me Needing... 

me being needed...

by someone...

intimately... 

wholly-- like on a soul level... 

I have thought, on several occasions - at various times in my life... 

"Was there something wrong with me?!?!?" 

because I wasn't like a lot of my other friends,

like a lot of women i known, {do know}...

like in most books,

movies,

bars...

to really get so lost in Anothers' need of you-- 

such a dangerous place to tread- Need.

.... {and if you ask me, it could be compared to the fuckin Odyssey and I sooooooo do not want to be Odysseus -- nor do I want to be Penelope either!!!}...

Not because you are forced, to need
but because you are in love
and at that time,

need seems so harmless... 

in fact,

it is intoxicating,
addictive ... 

it carves smooth but deep grooves into the sharp places of our souls...

like water does to a rock canyon. 

definitely altering the landscape,

re-shaping it...

transforming it...

no,
not always harmless

but clearly, having left its imprint...

but arguably Adding more depth & hopefully beauty to the canyon than it had before... 

I'd like to think,
that thinking about all this shit,

is true growth... 

which is why...I am
still up... 

So....

I guess I'll put on some good music,

do some more push ups or leg lifts,

see if that will do the trick.... 

Nighty, night! 

...or really for most normal people at this hour...

Have a good Morning/Day.

*Disclaimer ~  I have not proof read this post yet so please do not judge too harshly or laugh too long at any mental "skips"/leaps/breaks I may have made OR any misspelling, or fucked up word choice much less order.... I promise to re-read & fix later today...

Over & Out!