Tonight's quote ...

as I have nothing to say for myself, that is positive anyway...
oh wait...I do have a few things - positive that is: A) I know I have a few people that still care for me and B) I ate a good meal today

pretty huh...?

many smiles your way...

Life SUCKS right now...

but THIS doesn't..

 

i'm trying NOT to panic here...

There is beauty in MY breakdown...???

I need take a moment
          breathe...
& let GO OOOOOhhh.....
 being scared just means I am alive

NO Rhianna tonite...

arggghhh I guess that means the weekend is officially over....

I had a lot of fun this weekend ... met some very interesting people -- come to think of it, I got rid of one as well -- as thinning the heard is sometimes necessary but even still the last several days were filled with lots of laughing, Music, dancing, drinking, walking, drinking, laughing and more dancing... 

but I know in my heart, i was just keeping myself busy so I would not fixate on {freak OUT} about all that I NEED {that word again!!!} to be DOing!!

i must remember, the only way to successfully eat an entire elephant is one small piece at a time ....

fuck...okay I'm pouring a glass of wine and taking a bath cause that solves everything ... Right?

wish me luck in getting to sleep....

Yep, I'm doin' it again tonight...

 Dancing, I am finding, 

   is better than doing boring old squats at my place...

        Laughing & Smiling, I am finding, 

                is better than

   stressing & frowning at my place too!!!

I'm off....

My Thanksgiving wish for us all....

but for now my future is a warm bath, a few exercises and some rest
for tomorrow nite we Dance & Laugh again...

Don't Let the bastards let you down....

Life's too short.....

I have much thanks for many on this day and many more ...


turning it around....

Yeah,  yeah, YEAH, YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! 


XXOOOXX

smiles

and

Cheers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling a bit better

already done with work and in getting my music ready for my workout I stumbled upon this little gem which I have not heard in forever but never the less it put a huge smile on my face and made me move.... yes the video is a bit cheesy at times but the song is still Fresh!!!!   enjoy....

                     

I got nuthin' tonight ...

what can I say, It was another Fucked Monday...
Don't get me wrong, I am HAPPY it is over !!!

 cue Monty Python song...hear the whistling.... "Always look on the bright side of life"... whistling...

I made up my mind and I am NOT doing my exercises tonight!!!!
I'm the BOSS of ME!!! (plus I barely ate the last 2 days) and I am DOG tired...

Sat night was a "hum dinger," as they used to say eons ago, except by me--- the excitement of Sat/Sun is partly why food was not required all that much yesterday & today I was too busy and then too tired...had old school yellow mustard & ham sandwich and loved every morsel of it...no cooking, cleaning required

yes I'm slap happy this evening
but I sooooooo should be sleeping right NOW...
Im tired, I have a mtg tomorrow morning and need my brain and wits about me to function in it so I NEED to shut it down,
my mind that is...
stressed to gills, I feel but I keep reminding myself when I am about to loose it...
 
now, cue SNL Stuart Smiley skit ... Darn it, I am good enough!!!!! I DO like Myself!!!! ....LOL...

I may be joking with myself but one thing is true:

 I can do this!
I have done this before ....  a few times in fact
AND can do it again...

"I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth." - Umberto Eco

nighty night!

19 / 11 / 2011

I'm a pessimist because of intelligence, 
but an optimist because of will.
- Antonio Gramsci 

i will BE tonight...

my stolen thought for today...

We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, 
so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
Joseph Campbell

                   
         

It is a Paulo, Ray and Mark day...

“if pain must come, may it come quickly. because i have a life to live, and i need to live it in the best possible. if he has to make a choice, may he make it now. then i will either wait for him or forget him. waiting is painful. forgetting is painful. but not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.”  ― Paulo Coelho

 

                      

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. 
-Mark Twain 

 

 

See, I told you....

I can be a brat, at times...

Okay, so here's the deal,
I am a firm believer in karma and after doing my exercises { and a bong hit... or two ... }
after all that ...
I found my way to focus on this being my final thought for tonight...

i wish us all, only the best...

sleep now...

{ yes again note the time... but at least it's better than today... }

tonight, World...

adios!
for the night....

NEED...

Yes, I'm still Up...

and

Yes... all i am doing is
thinking....

Thoughts, moving up and down in my mind... 

wearing on me like I'm Sisyphus baring the weight of a boulder of the Gods making... 

still thinking... 

doing a lot of philosophizing
as my friends would say {would actually, make fun of me really}
and others,
might just call it whining...

well buckle in folks, because that is pretty much all this post is about... 

me and MY too much thinking... 

{Realizing I failed to do enough of it, thinking, that is...in my past & Now, of course, I do too much...}

but hopefully i am on the way to finding a balance,
an equilibrium of my ethos,
pathos
and logos
{not just my thoughts}... 

as you {and the mouse in my pocket}
read this blog...
and I type... 

i just wish
I could turn off my brain these days... 

but I know better. 

I am not so sure I am supposed to stop trying
to figure shit out... 

no
i know I'm not supposed to...
that always proves to be more dangerous when I do... 

As I was starting to go down road(s)already traveled.

i will not
do that
to myself...
again. 

I've been lost there -- i mean really lost there,
a few times
but
I know there is NO real there,
THERE.
... you know? 

....{Who am I kidding I knew then, hence the reason why I left...yeah me, the measly "5%'er"...the one you choose to sit on her beach blanket that summer, get married to etc. etc}....{I guess I should be happy that I even "rate" on the scale, much less made it to the 5% rage...lol}...

But
I do not want to be bitter
or seem
or sound bitter...

as I remind myself
that my failed marriage
was and is not the only
life lesson
that has brought me
to my base, 

to my knees, 

...has tested my true mores
in almost everything
and in almost every degree fathomable... 

As my anxiety rushes through me, 

I am reminded why I feel
so
...off balance, 

so
out of step in my mind

...with my emotions. 

~ Tis the season...
{and I mean that sarcastically}
as Thanksgiving creeps upon us...

then christmas, 

New Years {which I actually like},

another one of Jake's Birthday's...

mine...

the other ...
that other....
....
moi encule!!!!

Let's just keep it short ~
Much Loss,
of family,
of friends,
of parts of me... 

hmmm...
let's see probably could do with a few examples...?

Well let's see,
to start...

my "brother" Adam, who was {is} an amazing life long friend,
not my blood brother {that is an Iron Maiden/Queensrÿche bleeding human{a shout out to my real bio brother, E...lol} 

But Adam...dear Adam... 

It is the 2nd anniversary of him committing suicide...

{just a few days ago, actually...}
this "anniversary"...
I lit a candle
in his honor,
{as I did last year & will do every year}...

I listened to some of his favorite music,

had a few drinks for him -- vodka of course,

thought of good times,
our mutual friends....

{I am compelled to point out, How sad it is... the "fall out" of suicide, which can cause deep fishers to form with-in and amongst friends as everyone deals with it in their own way...some i fear, you loose forever.}...

but enough about that...

back to finding something to smile about Adam...
not hard to do, let's see...

Oh! I Thought naughty thoughts- as this would make Adam smile as only Adam did...
and was doing...
at all times { more smiles here...as he was such a funny, witty human}...
and "I" 
got to be
his friend
and scooter partner
so many funny,
wonderful
memories...

really just tried to touch on all the things that he would have done, if
he
was still
here
today....

let it be known: I forgave Adam for decision, 
choice...
what he did...
As, he was in so much pain
and life
can be so to cruel
to us
when we are at our worst.....

I Love and miss you much.

enough about that... 

let's see, back to something lighter???.... 

uhhhhmmmmm.....
I have a really fucked up family "unit" 

{too much to type there, you'll just have to trust me on this one, you'd agree}... 

a lot of loss...

definitely some regrets,
but All with a true understanding
that -- not much of it was of my making,
nor really in my control for that matter and
therefore,
could not be undone... 

so better to learn
and
let go.

uhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....
Lets see,
what else am I anxious about...

{trust me I could do this for houurrrrs People ...oh & mouse}...

I have to move.

...
and I really,
Really ---
hate
Hate
HATE
to MOVE....

But
I have to!!! 

what makes it even harder
and harder even still...
{as I am so trying NOT to be a BRAT, not sure if i am succeeding here}...

crickets...

Okay, Let me explain:
my original moving plan was to move back "home"
to Cali...

So. Co.

my beloved Cardiff by the Sea 

BUT 

because I need to be responsible....
{again, moi encule!!!!}

and i need to keep a job...
see the job I have now... was supposed to terminate at the end of Oct and the Lease for my house is Up @ the end of December ...
so "kismet"
i thought it was MY time to....
do for me {after the year I've had...}
hence...
the planned move...
Home.

but then I was asked to teach jewelery making classes -- which really should make me jump for Joy...{and it does sorta} ...

BUT...
that means staying... 

Here 

in AZ.

even though... it's turning into a part time job,

not enough hours -- so I may need to get yet another part time job, so that I can pay all my bills... 

But

still,

it is a job.

and it's in art...
which I have always dreamed... 

and
because the economy is sooo fucking bad,
and my friend said I could have the room I was going to rent, when ever...

I should sit tight!
Be Happy,
content
blah
blah
blaaaahhhh................

FUCK!
  I get it....

right now,

anyone is "lucky" to have ANY job that they presently have{haunt}.... 

so I cannot walk away,

not right now... 

because it is just not smart.

Not right now anyway..... 

I will stay.

but I know I can & know I will endure
staying here...
{But only until I can take the heat no longer}...
like this coming Spring...

and then

I will fly the coupe,
again -- 

for
Home,

the Ocean,

good friends, etc etc...

{also permitting that the BIG earth quake I keep dreaming about...doesn't hit home.... i know, i know~ I hate to even blog it... But i do because it's one of those dreams I keep having & usually those are the ones that come true...dreams that is}...

but I digress

again.

I guess, one of my main thought(s)/argument(s)for tonight's post is... {though I am clearly having with myself in the wee hours of the morning}...
 
through the thick and the thin
of the last few years,
months...

I finally, love myself enough to do right by Me 

even when it's hard...

uncomfortable,

seemingly impossible,

not what I want
when I want it... 

when i'm sacred, 

even if I am
lonely
{which I am, sometimes}...

have
very limited resources, 

have uncontrollable forces,

seems more is unknown than known...

soo many variables...

 

I guess you could best describe it as
a blinding {at times paralyzing} darkness,
at times... 

really, I have just about every fear a 3 dimensional ~ thinking girl 
who -- 
{so I have been told}...

"has tits as nice as a high school, school girl" and Who is supposedly "lucky" enough to make the "5 percentile" {due to the custom formula of: looks + brains + kindness ~~~ by the way, both these quotes were made from "Mr. 2%er" himself, so they must be true. LOL... never mind the next obvious question --- "WHO put you in the 2% category, May I ask..?" 

ohh don't worry I can make a good guess...} 

though I guess I cannot be too judgmental of you
for your monster of an ego...
as I too {if I am honest and looking back on it}...
I too...
saw You in that 2 percentile range,

when
I was in Love with you too...

and really...

Who doesn't want THEIR partner to look at them through these Rose Colored Glasses...

and think of them
in this way...

It's a HIGH.

it wasn't until... 

and then that.... 

and then... 

Oh and yes, then that... 

I guess...
that is when "i" - "You" - "we"
just no longer... saw each other
in that way...

in that percentile any more....

the glasses were off...
the "fairy dust" dissipates... 

reality happens...
you clear it from your eyes...
mais l'empreinte est laissé sur nos âmes

both of ours ... 

it seems,if I had to guess...that this is when/where it started to get fucked up?... {depending on the angle from which you gaze at it}...

Huh?

... Look,
don't get it twisted, 

I am not that jaded, nor do I think I ever will be, to that degree... 

I have always enjoyed men...
more than women, as I can get on my own nerves...

but for many, Many reasons...

I enjoy a Man's company 

but .... 

I have never really, in my heart of hearts, felt...

that I needed one
{a man that is}
to define me... 

{which ironically, has proven to be a catch 22 or a High Wire pendulum that I dangle from...in quite a few of my relationships}...

I have often pondered,

at various times/stages in my life & clearly, this evening... {really the past few of them}, as I have had no sleep lately...

Grappling with ~ 

and to be honest, 

fantasizing about:
Need. 

me Needing... 

me being needed...

by someone...

intimately... 

wholly-- like on a soul level... 

I have thought, on several occasions - at various times in my life... 

"Was there something wrong with me?!?!?" 

because I wasn't like a lot of my other friends,

like a lot of women i known, {do know}...

like in most books,

movies,

bars...

to really get so lost in Anothers' need of you-- 

such a dangerous place to tread- Need.

.... {and if you ask me, it could be compared to the fuckin Odyssey and I sooooooo do not want to be Odysseus -- nor do I want to be Penelope either!!!}...

Not because you are forced, to need
but because you are in love
and at that time,

need seems so harmless... 

in fact,

it is intoxicating,
addictive ... 

it carves smooth but deep grooves into the sharp places of our souls...

like water does to a rock canyon. 

definitely altering the landscape,

re-shaping it...

transforming it...

no,
not always harmless

but clearly, having left its imprint...

but arguably Adding more depth & hopefully beauty to the canyon than it had before... 

I'd like to think,
that thinking about all this shit,

is true growth... 

which is why...I am
still up... 

So....

I guess I'll put on some good music,

do some more push ups or leg lifts,

see if that will do the trick.... 

Nighty, night! 

...or really for most normal people at this hour...

Have a good Morning/Day.

*Disclaimer ~  I have not proof read this post yet so please do not judge too harshly or laugh too long at any mental "skips"/leaps/breaks I may have made OR any misspelling, or fucked up word choice much less order.... I promise to re-read & fix later today...

Over & Out!

Tell Me Why...

                          

i am ready for today to be over.

I hope ya'll had a better day than me... and Gods if you are listening, my main wish for tomorrow is that it will be a better day than today....

Merci et Bonne Nuit!

13 - 11 - 2011

                     

baby steps count...don't they?

They do for today.
 

P.S.

 

an epiphany...  

Pour sa défense, s'il vous plaît être gentil.

Il semble que le théâtre a réussi à garder le préoccupait à ce point, mais je me demande si vous savez vraiment le feu avec lequel vous jouez ... et un peu cruelle, vous ne pensez pas....?

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.  

                                           -- Anais N

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English to French translation

note to lost soul self...

To live is like to love – all reason is against it, and all healthy instinct for it.  
   Samuel Butler

I'm walking the walk but NOT talking the talk...

seriously I have to figure this shit out if nothing else for my own piece of mind....I'm tired of not mattering or being necessary to myself or others ...

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

In honor of 11/11/11

Don’t ask yourself what the world needs;
ask yourself what makes you come alive.
And then go and do that.
Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

—-Harold Whitman

I was reminded...

life has been shit lately. No seriously it has....

I know it can always be worse {and actually has been} but clearly, if you {and the mouse in my pocket} have been reading lately, I have been feeling a little blue... and so have some of my good friends.
But today -- really this whole week, I was reminded that I have friends, and they love me and I love them.

I make them smile and they make me smile...
I love that I can make them laugh and when we Laugh together, I cannot help but smile some more...

i have been in such a free fall this last year {and then some}...
So much change was needed...
so many adjustments had to be made.
So many little and big pieces of me needed fine tuning...
Tuning that needed to be made by me and only me.

I'll be honest, i just got tired.

but life, as it always does, brought to me what I needed the most: some good friends to listen to, to talk to, to share with and even cry a little bit with

I would say I am lucky to have such wonderful friends {though if you know me-- you know I am far from lucky} but this week I was reminded by the Kindness of various friends that I am worthy. That I have earned the good friends I find in my life today and cherish more than I can express...

I was reminded how important they {we} are in Life.

I find more joy in listening than I do talking these days; I want to make my friends laugh, i love that they make me laugh which produces real smiles that last beyond the moment...


i need to remember

 


now off to scrounge up some grub and as my father used to say, "Shit, Shower and Shave"... as this girl needs to go out Tonight and laugh, dance, & maybe do a little bit of drinking and a lot of smiling...

Ciao!

day three...

       

          

For today...I give up.

for tomorrow... dancing, friends, music, laughing.

Day Two of my apathy...

Right back at Ya Brain...

 And to my soul, hang in there...  

 Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make it a soul?    
                                                                                                      John Keats

             

Why does today feel like a Monday...?

I'm not your paranoia...I'm not your fortuneteller...

                          

   it's not your heart that your thinking of, it's the feeling that you're gonna die ...

Weekend Update Update...

with a little bit of a Week Update too...{and I have since read and fixed some of my sentences, lord have mercy, sorry about that...}

~ 1st I saw off an old friend, a sister really {i can truly call her that & mean it because we fought like I have seen sisters fight} I do not have one of my own by blood & I almost pride myself on the fact that my blood brother & I are diametric opposites {and have been our entire lives...{which explains my life long pursuit to find my adoption papers so I could  explain this and ohh so many other things about my family}.  I never really wanted a sister, I did not want to share my clothes or shoes with anyone.   Don't get it twisted, I have always been a Girl, I just have not expressed it in a Girly fashion....

i digress {as usual}...

The long and the short, my sister Shira left for a "Big Girl Job" in N.C. @ Duke University to be exact.  I am beyond impressed with her on many levels...  She and I had lost contact for a while ~ oddly when i moved to this god for saken state, but she recently contacted me, mainly to say good bye... it was tres sweet of her to do so { I know it was hard for her to do what she did} and I cannot express how much she touched me in saying goodbye!!!

I will and already do miss her but so wish her the VERY BEST on what I know will be a fun & really exciting new life back East.  It takes a lot of courage to pack up your shit and move across the country {actually sounds exciting to me but I always envy those you get to leave this place I need to just relax as I will also be leaving here as soon as I can as well}  I am just uber happy that I we were able to say goodbye with smiles on our faces & open hearts ~ really the only way to see a loved one off into unknown waters

~ stress has kicked in about moving and frankly ~ staying... i know i know it is the right thing to do for right now as the job market is beyond shitty, car is not in the best of conditions & i do not need it breaking down the instant I got back home, have dog now little yes but dog none the less plus chocolate & it has limited my being able to move into certain situation back in Cali... before work was ending, I was having to move and it just seemed the energy was propelling me in one direction sooner rather than later but recently with getting the extension at work & the request of more of my jewelery i think I am here until summer...ahhhh summer at home i cannot tell you how much I miss the sound of the waves, the birds, feeling the sun & the wind...the gold flecks in the sand ~ it's magical more times than it is not

~ speaking of jewelry...i am supposed to be cranking shit out. Tis' the season and all but I am beyond broke and feel no inspiration to make, create right now... {i seriously need to go to a museum, go on a hike or ont un peu de sexe vraiment bon!!! BON is the operative word here people...} to get some inspiration 


~ speaking of dating ... yes I had another date Friday night & ladies ~ Tip: Friday's are good days to go on dates because you can - if the date is not so great ~ like mine was... smile through out dinner {& his bullshit}, kindly explain that you had a long day at work so you really should get home early {alone}... though it took everything in me not to lean over the table to tell him I really had to leave so I wouldn't be late for my shift @ the Highlighter working the pole... but I held back} 

he did not have much of a sense of humor {or personality for that matter} ~ he is like a lot of guys these days, as i was just explaining this after a few cocktails, to my girlfriend last nite "most* guys are like good movie trailers for really shitty movies"... I said to her with a whole lot of chatter from the "peanut gallery" {that would be the random people in a 6ft radius of us that were enjoying our drunken conversation...} as I went on to astutely explain... Ultimately most, of the HOT flashy ones, who seem to have all the bells & whistles {we think we are looking for}, they can usually do a few stunts or have a few special effects ... but really he turns out to be the same old shitty, Over hyped, over budget, shallow "B" grade movie... They give you all the good stuff upfront {usually without us asking} and then show themselves to have only 3 minutes of quality material...

*Disclaimer I said most as I am not a man hater... I actually love & quite enjoy a man's company, sense of humor, touch etc... but I do not {nor have i ever really} felt the need to have a man in my life for the sole purpose of having a man.


With that thought in mind, i think the picture below about sums up the way I felt about my date on Friday nite! The gods know I already learned this lesson... {oh boy did i ever with 8 yrs of my life...} hence my intolerance for said affliction...  Just change the she to a He and the her to a HIS:

                                    
~ Sat: Phantogram ~ Enfoncer Orgasmique, ils ont été tout simplement        incroyable!!!

We danced, and drank... then we danced some more and of course drank  some more as well...
  
                                       
several times i just closed my eyes & let the music take me away, it was amazing...

GREAT music, Good friends... some weird encounters, but lost of laughing and even more dancing makes for really good times...




~ had my ego stroked ... by more {and at times more than i was comfortable with or would have liked...} in the end, I was able to leave with that wonderful feeling of sore thighs & feet, from dancing, a smile on my face & a ringing in my ears from great music and last but not least, my dignity in pocket {as the kids say...}!!!!

OOOOoooh, I almost forgot my brush with drama for the evening: as I almost had a Cops moment!!! {cut the music ...Bad Boy! Bad Boy! Watcha gonna do??!??!!...} 


I had a cop follow me home most of the way from the club & of course i was sweating it... because I had been drinking at the club and even on a good day I could barely pass their cheesy tests...sober or not~ especially after 5+ hours of dancing and in  4 inch heels... i was so sure he was going to pull my ass over ... I saw my Lindsay Lohan Mug shot in my mind as he rode my ass... but he got side tracked, as live in an "active" area... about 4 blocks from my house ~ thank the gods!!!

so when I finally got home {after stopping to get a crispy taco as running from the pigs makes one very hungry....} my dog was over the moon to see me {a girls best friend besides her best friends...}

I could not sleep because my blood was still pumping from the drive home plus it was actually chilly for the 1st time all year {also  could have possibly been the crispy taco i got after my run in with the law...} so I drew a wonderfully HOT bath, lit some candles, polished off the rest of the Pinot Grigio, listened to some more good music until the water got cold...

it all seemed a fine reward for my NOT getting a DUI tonight... good times!!!


now I gotta get off this computer, finish my exercises and Go to Bed!!!

bonsoir pour l'instant

are you sure it isn't more like this...

now Off to DANCE while I can...

Watch out down Below...

I have an unexpected day off, which is awesome because I need a mental health day, i strongly believe in "metal health" days -- not to to dwell on all that is bad or wrong but to take stock, clean out & recharge AND Refocus!!!! 

I am supposed to engage with the world this weekend.  i have, wait for it ... yes, another date tonight, then Phantogram is Sat. nite ... besides getting to see & hear them LIVE, I get to drink, play and DANCE my ASS off !!! Then Sunday is rest and recover!!!!

I guess today is a day best expressed with music.... mind you, I am not a big fan of Arcade Fire but my dear friend Bruce - who tries to keep me "hip" & has known me for more years than I would like to admit, turned me onto this song as he feels it could be me singing  {... not really a compliment~ Sorry, Arcade Fire & yet still a kick-ass song!!! may I remind us all, Bob Dylan isn't the BEST singer but IS one of the most amazing song writers EVER!!!}

talk to ya'll later

I spilled the ink across the page.....

word

 ... don't act insane cause it'll hurt your game everyone is always think'n of what they could have been if they only kept themselves together one more day and your on your way everyone is always think'n of what they could have been if they only kept themselves together ...  "Natural Selection" by Heart Pharmacy

giving up my gun ...

That was mighty long nap, one might say

so many blanks to fill in....

i guess its only logical to start with the quote on the "hubris/insanity/vertigo" of being YOUNG {and in love}...

{so hard to talk about this subject & NOT sound bitter but here goes...}

When you are young you feel invincible {especially when injected with a NEW love} you pad your resume of sorts... You promise {the moon & stars if you are lucky}, completely meaning it in the moment, but some of these dreams cannot possibly be made real... you don't know it at the time and even if you did you'd probably still ignore any flags, turning any & all flaws found into beauty marks that transforms that person into someone just for Vous...{Je ne le sais car ce sont ces grains de beauté & le battement de son cœur que je repose ma tête sur sa poitrine à chaque nite, ivre moi ... m'a fait réfléchir et faire l'impensable!}

But that is the past och detta är framtiden, för nu ...  

I no longer want to climb {or TAME} Mt Everest {as I lost too much on my last attempt, really my only true attempt at such a climb}. But after time, reflection & many doses of the reality of the real you, tugs at my soul and some how i know ~ right now, all is as it should be.  

here isn't here yet so all is mailable, in flux as it were

I guess I am still willing to hang in there and see if there is another new, inspiring, meaty adventure in store for me, {if the gods give me the courage} 

 

I have recently found that I still enjoy a climb and my soul just needed to ...

gotta go to bed, must be a thinking human tomorrow...