epiphany

in the last year and a half {really}...
i found my sanity
&
 that it IS {sorta} Okay ....who I really am...
inside and out...
heart & hands...
flesh & soul.

so this is dedicated to me from Me...

now off to finish getting ready to enjoy the night with friends, music and......

Ciao!!

gettin' a little better ...

with everyday...

I am working at it
it's not coming innately
or easily
but
 it Is happening...

and last time I checked it really was me,
 living it
so I might as well find a way to make it more than bearable...

Cheers!

here's the proof...

tonight I will go dance and find my smile....

searching...

in and out of me...

good night

Excercise ...

it does a body
and heart ...
                              GOOD

getting my mind and my ass right
                  after this past weekend...

Ciao!

Got it...

loud and clear...

always look on the bright side of...

drinking wine... but will feel better tommorrow, I'm sure.....

I'm trying not to...

hope everyone is having a Good Day....
 if you are, that means it is a possibility for me too...

post script from my Malibu weekend...

smiles....

Malibu: the Good, the Bad and the Ugly....A la Les Killers

I was beyond excited for the weekend...
.... for the company I was to keep

The drive over Thursday was so nice it was amazing out the sky was beyond blue and I smiled for 6 and half hours straight as I am ALWAYS happy when I can LEAVE Arizona especially for the BEACH!!!!

got there -
had a wonderful evening.

woke up.. he brought me breakfast in bed then
 had a wonderful Friday ...
                    wandering around Malibu while my friend was finishing with work...

then we did dinner & wine at the Cabin we were staying at which was just amazing...

and then things got weird....

it is always the SHARE part that f*cks things up....

After hearing what he had been in love with - and STILL clearly longed for...
making me feel like this was the what he was REALLY saying to me....

but of course, little did he know I am a bit more like this....

Saturday night ohh around 2am was the DEAL breaker......

when I digest more why and how- the weekend went so wrong, I will explain more...

but lets us just say by 6:40am on Sunday morning I was packed & dressed

 and by 7am, CeCe & i were in the CAR... on our way back to AZ...

Lucky for me I had this song in my mind and heart....

 

as "he" would say, "It's ALL Good"...

and you know what

 it is...

weekends like this -

but more importantly, HOW i handled myself, on a weekend like this...

re assures me that...

I will find what I am looking for one day...

i know it

i'll make you a deal life... I will not give UP if you don't make me settle!!!!

a hint ...

the weekend did not go so well....

to be continued....

going to the BU

Malibu ~ See Ya on the flip side if Cali

smiles!!!!!!!

It's my Birthday today.....

and it is NOT that bad....

{though I haven't the urge yet to re-read my drunken mess of a post from last night yet...I may do that tomorrow, would rather feel like an idiot tomorrow rather than today!}

Already THIS year is better than last in MANY ways

no life is NOT at all perfect..
I am not at all satisfied with where I am at...
but unlike last year...
I feel as if THIS Year I have the strength, energy and WILL to make it all happen or at least what really NEEDS to...

{even though I cannot explain why nor do I have a compass to guide this new found will with...}

none the less, I have it.

you hear that world...?
I embrace YOU

now off to have a birthday hamburger, as I don't allow myself those very often then I'm off to pick something out at my wonderful friends boutique so I can look pretty for tonight's festivities of Dancing, Laughing & Drinking with some more wonderful friends!!!

Ciao!!!

Yes even at my age I can appreciate my Mom and when she spoils me...i feel even MORE special...
 though many would argue she has not stopped since the day I was born...
she made me chicken Kiev - my absolute favorite since I was knee high to a grass hopper... my Mom has been making that as my birthday dinner since i was a very little girl...
I made broccoli and hollindaise.. as I am so lucky to have been raised to 2 really great cooks as my dad did the gourmet & my mom had the comfort food cornered... but she learned and she taught - me - WELL
anyhoo
last night i went to her house for her bday dinner for me & MLK as I joked with her
and then She reminded me it was really her favorite dogs birthday Shady-- that she was celebrating and I was lucky enough to have the same bday of... ruff ruff

anyway I sit after doing my exercises.. warming my doggy bag chicken Kiev that is in the oven...i smell it as I blog and sip my pino grigio with Rachel Maddow in the back ground....

may be going to Malibu in a few weeks...should be interesting...i am trying to temper my fears AND hopes...neither is easier to tame than the other...

though i have manged to keep my head on straight... kept my ethos & pathos of late...thought that makes for a lot of lonely nights...

my bed seems so huge ...
i still keep to one side,
not sure who I'm waiting for
but truth be told....
I do wait
i wait for that bend in the mattress... of your lover weight...
coming to you ...
 for you...

i miss this
i know this is still a possibility

when it is
right....

i have much to be thankful for and when u get old birthdays are thank YOU days...
especially for someone like me who does not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Pope ... etc

but also because its me....
and I have "so little" at this "stage" yet I have so much...

1st & foremost...
I did not sell OUT
I was given many chances..... but did NOT ...even when it seemed like the logical thing to do...
I KNOW what love is....
 on many levels...
 i also KNOW this,
 unfortunately  --
due to the LOSS of said love
as much as the making it, sustaining it and fostering it
to lose love...
I think
 this is what is known as the "fall from grace"
the loss of love
and the realization that you had a hand in it--
 the loss...
this i know this pain on a few levels...

it is my birthday that i think of these moments -- people ... losses and MORE importantly LESSONS...

I have a new chance at many aspects of life and would be an idiot not to at least TRY... i may be many a thing - not all pretty or aspirational - but an IDIOT- I am NOT!!!!

Happy Birthday to ME for NOT shitting on myself- as I normally would do...and the gut feeling that as I wrap this Birthday Blog up to finish my exercises I may not be where I want to BE but all the work I have done on myself will ensure that I am on the WAY to where I was always meant to be...

Joyeux anniversaire à moi ... et bien en une heure et 20 minutes ...
anyhoo...

Joyeux anniversaire à moi

** Pls note this POST is subject to editing after i have sobered in the morning...
XOOXOOXOO
moi

come on, come on...

we shall see...

off to do my exercises...

this may not go over well...

I, on the other hand WILL ...

lost...

there is no one on the line but me...

cookies are in the oven..

   I don't care,
                         well...

                        hardly anymore.

things ain't bad but things ain't right...

stayed home tonight...

made an amazing dinner {alone} , drinking a good bottle of Pino {alone} and thinking about maybe just maybe making cookies {alone} and listening to more good music {alone}...

i know - i know its my choice to do all of this ALONE....
            
                                                                        for now.

now off to mix another drink & make some peanut butter & chocolate Kiss cookies...
...oh and maybe a few exercises

cheeriO

actually its more like this...

not feelin' it today....

i will find a way to feel better ...

13/01/2012

Firday the 13th's are almost ALWAYS good days for me... go figure

blog at ya later,
 I hope you are having a GOOD...no I mean GREAT day!!!!!!

...I'd talk about Yoko & her "knitting" but I don't want to push my luck with the music gods...karma she's always watching so I'm just gonna keep those thoughts to myself...

smiles

trying to get back into the groove of things....

yet another REASON to go to Coachella,

like you NEED anymore reasons...

morning.....????

In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life — It goes on.

—Robert Frost

tonight was good, but not good enough...

....

gettin my head right

I know i should be posting Sarfucker, as I am lucky to have a ticket to their sold out show tonight but this just came out today and I am obsessed with this band so I am sharing...

 plus I have been told I that I have been sharing "too" much, that some of my post are too sexual in nature... not sure what i think about this yet...
and will continue to think on it and get back to y'all

but in the mean time this is a CLEAN post...
even if the Blogger isn't... Ha!!

Happy?

many smiles...

Do we ever REALLY grow up?

This is a question that keeps popping into my tiny little head quite frequently these days...
{mainly because my birthday is right round the corner ... and I feel ancient!...} when I voice the number, I feel as if I am speaking of someone else...having an out-of-body experience.. like a a car accident of sorts

and yet
 this weekend I was running, laughing, shagging/hitting balls .... better than "the whipper Snappers" I was playing with at the park...
I can still put my legs behind my head,
my ass is smaller now than it was when I was in High School,
I still LOVE camping, making love under the stars...

 and GREAT MUSIC 

Sooooooo
just like when I was a KID ~
         i wish,            I wish,  I WISH
 i was going to this:

but it is like $400 just for tickets {really $275}, if they do not sell out in 3hrs like they did last year {even though it 2 weekend this time & i might have a few friends, that have a few friends that can...., possibly...., maybe....} and THIS years line up is ONE of the MOST amazing EVER!!!! {and THAT is sayin sumthin')... and
YES I am pouting while I type THIS!!!
But on thing is for sure-
 if YOU - I am - ANY of us are lucky enough to GET to GO...
You cannot PICK a BAD night...
You just can't!!!! it's impossible!

but alas I will have to enjoy Starfucker tomorrow night, as I finally got my ticket today
it will take some of the sting away, at least for the time I am at the show!

waaaaa! waa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I wanna Go to Coachella!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! stomp! stomp!!! STOMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hence my O.G. question: Do we ever really grow Up?

answer: "nah, I don't think so!"

I'm waiting....

Ruff Ruff!!!!!

Changing plans and Little Sausages...

I had a wonderful afternoon...

felt like utter shit this morning from drinking waaayy too much last night

so I nursed a hangover until about 3:00 this afternoon..

then my Mom came over to take away boxes and give me cleaning supplies {Just what every girl wants on a saturday afternoon, NOT} but I love her even though she is as old school as Winston Churchill!!! she has more hair and is a bit taller and slimmer come to think of it but the personalities are spot on!

anyhoo

my good friends bruce & greg coaxed me into going to the park and shagging balls, hitting them...
catching them and doing a lot of laughing in between ALL oh all while listening to some great tunes and watching my dog go crazy running and playing~ she had such a blast ...{and yes I am that corny that I get enjoyment from my dog having a good day!}

 Bruce ran some poor little kid on his brand new bike w/training wheels away... dick! LOL

but here is a cool picture of Bruce Dj-ing..

the sun was out, it was warm like a spring day {already!!!}

it was the Perfect cure for my hangover ... i needed the Vitamin E i think!!

then we came home...CeCe went to sleep, I ate some viddle for the 1st time today - was finally hungry and took a shower

... was supposed to go out with some friends in Phx but after I got out of shower an Old friend asked to go out here in Scottsdale...someone I dated once a few months ago but really just did not click because he just isn't "real"... too showy -- too fresh but NOT clean -- {sorry, not feeling witty tonight so I apologize for the lack luster description} lets just say I

went against my better judgment..

canceled on my o.g. plans and was SUPPOSED to meet up with DK in Scottsdale.... fast forward to him failing to contact me until 10:45pm!??!?!??! {he originally asked me to be ready by 9} and somehow still thought I'd be into meeting up?

WTF?!?!??!??!!!!!!

are u serious? barring him getting into an accident, running out of gas etc etc who does that? oh yes he does...

my "bad"

as I sent the bad energy out by canceling last minute on my Friends...

served me right I guess

got un-dressed..

listened to more Polica, my NEW obsession

washed off the war paint, and am now wrapped up in a blanket snuggling my awesome dog and kitty...watching movies as I blog and poke some smot

not as bad of an end to the evening than masturbating Dick Heads ego all nite!!!

I am better than that and have more substance to me, I can handle another nite alone in bed...

better than being alone WITH someone in your bed! {been there done that and WILL not do it again!!} at least IF i have to so anything about it any way...

i leave you now as the wind is literally howling outside

I snuggle into my dignity and enjoy the warmth from within

i know that it is decisions like these, nites like these... that make me a better person for the one I have still yet to enjoy ... share ...

my joys, hopes, dreams and soul with...

the impossible is always possible... I am coming to learn, in this world...

P.S... WAy to GO Hosani!!!!!

              nighty night...

my latest obsession...

had an attitude adjustment ... thank the gods,

went to the park, CeCe was in HEAVEN as I shagged balls, hit balls and caught balls with her and others

An afternoon in the Sun with awesome folk, my dog and some balls...

who knew?

now off to the showers for some possible Booty shaken later...

{and possibly some more ball handling as well... ohhh did i say that?}

adios for now

and many smiles....

no words ...

just songs these days....

feel me?

this song is stuck in my head today...

please hangover {and life} be more gentile with me...
                                                         i bruise like a peach these days...

Fuuuuuucccckkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!

life is Beyond complicated for little ol'me....

i am not as lame & manipulative as most !!!!!!??!!!??!?!?!

are there any good humans out there to wrap my arms {and legs} around???!??!??!

I met a lot tonight, that are cute, have tight asses and wanna get laid but they are NOT good humans......

why is this STILL a deal breaker for ME & not everyone else?

What is WRONG with ME????!??!??!??!??!??!

Weirdness...

I have a strange day still ahead of me and I need to get a grip...

wish me luck!!!!

5/1/2012

and  on THAT note...Good Night!!!

Me....

later gators!!!!

almost done...

with many things...
therefore this is more than a fitting song....

I know it does not seem like it but I am happy on the inside....
 scared? a little
excited? more than scared
 but
ready to take into the world what
I have finally
learned...

XXOO world

blogg at ya from my New Place tonight!!!!

can't sleep.. wanna sleep but

can't...
this blow up bed is not working this 2nd night
but it is only for one more night, I will stay at the new place tomorrow nite...
I will summon the strength to put my bed back together so I can sleep in MY bed tomorrow night but I just panicked that I do not remember what I did with all of the screws to put my bed back together....
so true to life i feel - especially when I am moving
 sheez this is why I cannot sleep my shit is all over the place in boxes... separated and crammed together, all at once..
things taken apart... other things wrapped up -- not breathing...disassembled...
 i know it's all here {and THERE}... but accounted for- just BOXED or Wrapped up...
waiting....
waiting to see if I will un box, and un wrap
to see if I will use it again,
un pack it even, much less put it back together...
making it whole,
making it useful
and beautiful, again...

okay I am putting my self to sleep with this dribble... i'll leave you with what I am listening to

and...
so we end on a lighter note

I will try this sleep thing again...

...

good night

Yard work & Boom, Boom, POW...

Yes this is what I lsiten to when I am pulling weeds {and will NOT have to do this kind of labor at my New Place! Whooo!!!}


Yeah That's right MY Daddy's a DRUG Dealer.... 'cause I'm dope!!!!!

ENjoy!!!
OOOh why not...
           and while I am at, how about this other Dev diddy for good measure!!!

because I REALLY do Iike MY Bass Down LOW!!!!

back to the salt mine...

and to ponder how, if I ever met Dev, how would i break it to her that she has horrific fashion sense yet makes such KICK ASS music?  Discuss...

3/1/2012

can't stop NOW....

happy birthday JSR

thoughts to live by, going forward...

Evil is boring. Cynicism is pointless. Fear is a bad habit. Despair is lazy. Hopelessness is self-indulgent. On the other hand: Joy is fascinating. Love is an act of heroic genius. Pleasure is our birthright. Chronic ecstasy is a learnable skill.

good nite!

on my mind all day....

even with everything I had to do today, you were on my mind...

Impressive...

looking forward to...

It's ALL in the Attitude, RIGHT?!??!?!?

Wish me luck...

talk to ya when it DONE....

I know it is the 2nd but really for me it is still the 1st

okay I know in real time it is almost 3am - trust me i feel it in every muscle I have
brain, arms, legs, heart, hands, feet, back, thighs, calves... every where
and it is not OVER

fuck it is sooooooo not even over...
tomorrow is actual move day...move heavy shit, rent big truck move heavy shit with my brother who hates me and is now lugging my heavy shit... with my mother standing over us stressing us both out..{cat & dog included!}.....
then unloading all of my heavy shit -- with the brother that hates me and a mother that will stand over us and stress the shit out of the BOTH of us {cat and dog included}....

good news: Cleaning is almost over except scrubbing floors & steam cleaning carpets after I move all of my heavy shit ...

wait good News: Hole in wall is fixed and looks great...that you very much to my drywalling skills
Bad News - the flippin heater stopped working and though I can deal as I still have my spacer heater from my Cali Coast life but I have to tell landlord not a good look when you are moving..but hey what the fuck - it was not me and right now I have bigger fish to fry!

Bad News I have to get up in 5 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good News: to bed with 2 glasses of wine in me knowing that this will ALL be over soon {not soon ENOUGH, but SOON}
but the BEST will be the dreams of Malibu that will lull me to sleep and get me through all of this

Look at me, with all of this, I am still welcoming in 2012 with OPEN Arms!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who's with me?

Good NIGHT to us all...

pls note I did not edit this post yet so forgive me if you read and makes no sense...