I'll explain after I take a nap...

 

Everybody's youth is a dream, a form of chemical madness.        F. Scott Fitzgerald

{Video added 3/11/11}

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                                       Seuls les jeunes ont le droit d'Hybris

I'm back from doing my extra push ups & still have 3 things to figure out...

okay here's the deal...

I know there is world hunger, poverty (hello soon may be my ass on your TV @ 3am cowering in a dark doorway with tin cup in hand...), no 2 state solution yet and the Darfur / Congo conflict is far from over .... but I have some pressing issues at the moment and they are as follows:

1st Dating SUCKS!!! I had a date Sunday night - sorta went well ... i did what I was supposed to - I smiled endlessly, I didn't get too deep into anything, I didn't talk politics, god or really about anything of interest to me other than him and don't get me wrong at times that was interesting enough but other times...

I tried to get lost in the moment - their were wonderful things about the evening as for the most part he was a total gentleman - Thank the gods, as this is not always the case, and that ruins the night all on it's own ...

He made dancing fun, as he is Free Spirited like that, which I love because I tend to have to have the dance forced out of me but he is also very tall (6'4") which I absolutely LOVE because it makes me feel like such a girl, sexy... as I am just shy of 6ft and in heels, which I do love to wear, I can be a bit tall for most, hence when I find a tall drink of water - I drink.

speed forward, as I am a lady.... {batting my big brown eyes}

when we touched base the next day, via text...which unbeknown-st to him but painfully known to ME,I am TEXT inept! I do not know how to text and be coy, or witty or smart or what ever you are supposed to be when you you 1st start dating someone and you are trying to give away as little information about yourself and end up eitehr giving away the farm or looking like more of an than you really are!!! (I did the latter!!!! if you are interested)

TEXTING, fucking texting...

okay 2nd thing

Halloween Costume... technically I should be out on the streets NOW as i blog because I NEED at least 2 costumes... I have total social anxiety as it is so you would think I would be excited to hide behind a mask but so far I have been unable to come up with something and i REALLY should go to this party tonight and the one on Monday...I need to implement the little chu chu that can voice, "I think I can, I think I can..." 

I just feel I may be on the cusp of not being able to retain what little dignity, i may still have, if I show up as a "Sexy" Kitty, Nurse, Fairy etc etc....

3rd thing

I have yet another date on Sat...and this IS someone I do find quite interesting and I hope he does not fuck that up by be getting to know him better...sans TEXTING!!!

See Ya!

I'm the boss of my blog but...

or another way of thinking about it is.. 

To Edit or not to edit ...

I have edited, i.e fixed spelling, punctuation or revising "word order" the next day due to mild dyslexia {self diagnosed} AND/ or blogging with wine in hand made word order ...

but this is different and clearly it bothers ME more than YOU because there probably is no YOU besides the mouse in my pocket reading this blog...

anyhoo

after getting up this morning to find I had a unexpected day off ~ thank you boss ~ so I was a good girl & did my exercises because I half assed them last night due to a pleasant but unexpected interruption {i secretly live for those...pleasant unexpected interruption in life--guess not so secret anymore, though I'm pretty sure my mouse will keep it on the D.L., eh?}

as I digress again

The long and the short of it is... as I type this: "I'm leaving it in as IS!"

I think I need to drop down and do a few more push ups as I am full of anxiety & exercise has always helped me tamper that down...

..

             

Answer ...

.

sorry, you asked ...

{... but at least you didn't spend 8 years trying to fill a void that only he can fill first before he will ever really love someone the way he wants and professes to ... I too felt weak in the knees when I was in his arms & gaze, I too believed and turned out to be very wrong after paying a very high price, a few times ...}

I will say this for him, he is incredibly hard to get over but in the end you come to find the man you were in love with really does not exist but instead was an amalgamation of your fantasy, his reality and wishful thinking on both your parts 

I yern to be more graceful in everything I do

                               “All I know is that you love me...in my dreams.”

I need to remember this...

I need to take the foot OUT of my mouth and heed this advice...

So On Point

can't sleep, surfing net and look what i found

1. The Guy Who Hates His Job

Hating your job -- where you spend the majority of your time -- is a destructive mindset which can poison a relationship. It's one thing to be mildly dissatisfied with work life while at work, but the guy who is absolutely miserable at his job will spend a good amount of his free time being absolutely miserable about it as well, and that's not good. It's important to like what you do, and if this guy doesn't, why is he still doing it? Why doesn't he change his career, or advance in it, or do his best to change his attitude?
You don't want to date a guy who gets stuck in an unhappy situation and doesn't do anything about it. Is this what he's going to be like if there are relationship problems down the line?

 

2. The Guy Who's Obsessed With His Mother

He loves her, defers to her, consults her about everything, and you will never live up to her.
OR he hates her, constantly complains about her, and expects you to be the complete opposite of her. Either way, there isn't enough room in a relationship for you, him, and the giant Shadow Of His Mother.

 

3. The Guy Who Needs To Be Admired

It's not enough for you to tell him he's smart and funny and attractive. He needs to feel it and hear it from other people, too, and he's willing to work for it by constantly flirting with other people, via email, at parties, in line at the grocery store, with the waitstaff of restaurants...everywhere. Even though he won't straight out cheat, you'll never feel enough for this guy, because, well, you aren't.

4. The Guy Who Has Friends You Never Meet

He's always emailing, texting, or running off to see "friends," but you're never invited to come along. It's not that you suspect he's cheating on you, but a guy who compartmentalizes his life like that is clearly not ready to share it with anyone else. Or he's ashamed of you, or he's ashamed of them: either way, no bueno.

 

5. The Guy Who Wants To Rescue You

For some reason, he always seems to date people who are complete basket cases, because he likes to play the hero. He gets off on coming in and acting as a stabilizing force, rescuing women from their situations or themselves, advising, helping, tranquilizing. The more messed up a woman is, the more attracted he feels: he needs to feel needed. But the second her life starts to get in order, he loses interest: because, without her issues to take away the focus from him, he's left with his own problems and insecurities to deal with. And that he absolutely cannot do.

6. The Guy Who Cannot Leave A Party

You were supposed to just stay in tonight, but it's so-and-so's last day at work, you see, and he should probably stop by, and also so-and-so is having a party for this thing, which might be fun to go to, after which so-and-so else is getting drinks nearby, and can't you stop by, just for one? This guy has serious FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out), but the only thing he's really missing out on is quality time with you.

 

7. The Guy Who Can't Believe You Picked Him

At first, it's flattering and endearing that this guy seems to think he's so out of your league. He just can't believe that you would ever be attracted to a guy like him, such a loser. In fact, he goes on and on about this, for so long, that eventually you start to believe him.

i hate to admit it but I think I have dated, lived with LOVED and even married/divorced some of these guys but that is all in the past 

as Momma Maya A. says, "When we know better we do better"

i will now try this sleep thing again....

Thank YOU

{begin Theme music from The Twilight Zone...}

YOU have no idea who you are and frankly it is a bit strange how this thing has come full circle... But from the bottom of my heart {and deep recesses of my mind & soul} THANK YOU as you have unwittingly helped ME find the truth  and ultimately resolution to a few things... major things ...

1st I should say, I am sorry for your pain ... but may I say, you are sooo much wiser & stronger than you know ...

You are wiser than your years and seem quite smart & witty
but most of all you have a true sparkle about you that really just makes a person smile ...  {trust me i tried but I just could not hate}

until last night ... sitting in what became luke, warm water with a glass of wine in hand ... {ironic having a "eureka" moment in the bath - how Greek of me} ... realizing the true curse of being able to see the good/the amazing, in those that you Love(d) and yet when & if they do not live up to it, to the person that shines within THEM ... that no matter how much you tried, if THEY don't {for what ever reason they concoct} have self worth, you cannot give it to them nor is it your fault if they cannot obtain it through you ....

after chewing on & regurgitating that empathy all last night, I woke this morning with a different slant to my thoughts and by the time I was done with my work out this morning,
It was clear to me I had been in a cave, for longer than I'd like to admit, but as of that moment I was no longer "shackled" in the cave arguing with my shadow

... I also realized I had thanks in my heart with a need to express it but also having enough common sense to Not get involved where I do not belong...
I will keep my mouth shut and just blog my secret THANKS & true good vibes towards Vous....

I wish you could know how lucky you are to have not wasted/tormented yourself for years... for someone who ultimately, did not deserve what you shared/gave in the first place.

{... it is crazy how I thought I would have nothing to post on this bad boy ~ especially on a regular basis and here I am doing secret "shout-outs" ... too funny}

going out on a "date" a 1st date no less and boy oh boy,  do I need to get my mind right --  never mind the outfit ... so I better get off this computer

Wish me Luck!!!!

Ciao!

REVISED thought(s) for today ...

WHO else is dorky enough to be blogging, drinking wine & doing leg lifts @ midnight because they can't get to sleep??

Anyone, anyone...?

Well I know one thing, I Pinky Promise that I will find some FUN in my world this weekend and post that ... cause my 'tude is getting OLD!!! cool? ... COOL!!!!

today was a WTF day...

get a grip Me....

I spent too much time plucking gray hairs and worrying about the chicken neck my Mom has and that I feel looms in the distance for me, no please noooooooooo...

Halloween Costumes- 2 of them i need -- I feel I am too old to have to figure out what "hip" or let's face it ladies - the pressure of coming up with a sexiest "what ever" you know Sexy Nurse, Or Sexy Fire Woman , or Sexy Cat etc etc .... but then you get to the party and YOU really DO look like a stick in the mud, if you do NOT dress up... it's a no win situation so i may as well stop bitching and figure out a costume to hide behind right ?!?!?

 ... maybe I will go as Pat from SNL!!! but will anyone know who that is & then I am stuck explaining my costume all night argghhggghhhh  see ?!?!

Fuck it ... I'm gonna pour myself a glass of wine,  do my exercises and ponder, any suggestions?

I'm scared...

Did I just type that?... Yes, I think I did but it is true.

Wow almost feels good just typing it ... still too scared to actually say it, but It has been in my head for longer than i would like to admit.

Change = Unknown and Unknown = Scared Me {used = excited me} but these last few years, well there is no easy way to say it, but I have been a Chicken Shit, as my "lovely"  Father would holler!!!

Consequence of being a chicken shit = I have made some UBER shitty decisions, these last few years.  Some decisions, that I deeply regret; felt like i "HAD" to make but NOW i see that My OWN fears are what actually shackled & blinded ME to my faulty logic + skewed perspective = Bad Decisions made by ME.

Bring on the smart Quote to make all of us {me} feel better:

In order for us to liberate the energy of our strength,our weakness must first have a chance to reveal itself *          Paulo Coelho

I am learning {for real} that once we give into your fears and let go of thinking I can Control/Know what will happen ...  It makes things clearer -- NOT easier {oh how I wish} though I guess when I am asked to sacrifice in the coming months, and I KNOW I WILL, it will be clearer to me why I have done what I have... for once in a very long time, it will be something i did for me

* the Irony of who/where I got this quote is more than I can express but proves to me that all is possible {for all of us}

arrgghhhhh

thought for today...

Anytime you feel the pain,...refrain...

    Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

    For well, you know that it's a fool who plays it cool

    By making his world a little colder ...

                                               (Hey Jude, Paul McCartney)

Charlie Rose, Excerise, Pinot Grigio and VCR's...

Stayed home tonight as I went out on Thursday nite, shook my booty {oddly enough - as this is usually something I do more frequently in the privacy of my own home - or I'm at a really good show/concert - as I was thursday nite} as usual I am getting side tracked...

anyway it was fun, went w/ my Good friend Jen whom I have known since I was in grade school - yes I said it grade school.  She is the Best as she has fun where ever she goes and is always game for anything - she drinks, dances, enjoys witty banter and loves good music- can't ask for much more in a gal pal!

We danced, laughed,  drank, had our egos stroked a few times, ran into some friends and then went home giggling in the crisp night air - not HOT air but nice cool air and alone.

It is ironic to me that i {brace yourself as I am possibly about to sound and in print, seem mildly pathetic...} but I so long to be a real partnership again...to share {and for real in some ways} with another human - feel them feeling me and me being able to enjoy feeling them, laying my head on my lovers chest while I fall asleep to the beat of the heart and the rythm of their breathe... {I know it sounds cheesy but it was what I have had & what I wish for again}

With that said, you know you are older/jaded/{cross your fingers} WISER ?!?!? As I went home alone {as usual} yet I quietly take pride in doing so...  Why? as I am the boss of me and I will be the 1st to say so... but I just don't want to waste what little human contact I may have with someone ON someone I really don't Dig/inspired by/feel real passion for ... i feel i have so little time left in the heart dept.

or to put it another way, I know I am ready to take chances, chances I have not been willing to make since i was young, I feel the need to meld/exchange/transform/grow with another in a healthy & positive way ... but I am NOT willing to just give what i know what I know is rare & special, away to just anyone ... i KNOW good things com to those who work hard on them selves and wait...

so I sit here tonight, beading {i make jewelery & sell it to a cool little boutique here in AZ & on etsy}, catching up on a week's worth of Charlie Rose & tonight's Bill Mahr episode, drinking some Pinot, oddly enough still able to complete my excerises, maybe not in perfect form but none the less DONE...

now I will feed the cat, the dog & go to bed with this song playing in my head as i am  clearly wishing/dreaming/hating the desire i have once again for a lover to play with my hair, kiss my forehead and invade my soul once again...

I am NOT a Tree ...

Unexpected day off so I guess I will use some of it to explain some of my cryptic posts of late {especially since "u" are just getting to know me, heck I'm still getting to know me.}

any hoo...lately there have been a lot of "signs" or moments  both Good, Bad & Mild {Work, Car, Where to Live/move, Love Life, Friends etc etc}, I guess I would term them as "Yield" or "Pump the Brakes" signs/warnings.

**Please note World: I AM taking the time and heeding them; reminding myself to "Keep Calm and Carry On" - which really means for me: SHUT the FUCK UP and listen/absorb to what is happening to AND around you ~ THINK Before you DO, but DO SOMETHING!!!!!!

change can feel so chaotic, ironically it is at these times  that I make a List, my lovely lists, when I am trying & apply some kind of "logic or order" to my chaos so I can attempt to make my decisions with a CLEARER mind ...

*My job it seems is ending soon (though just got GREAT news  

 that they "found" some money & I can stay for an additional 

 month or so which takes me thru Nov ~ phew for now!)

*My Lease is up in Mid Dec. so I have to move. I HATE, no  
 LOATH Arizona; I always have, even when I was knee high 
 to a grass hopper growing up here ~ nothing has changed...
 unless I can move up North to Flagstaff, which is doubtful 
 but i know this ~ I just cannot stay here any longer much  
 less through another summer!!! 

*This is the 1st time in 16 years that I am sans kid, 
 sans lover, sans career goal, sans plan... mais pas sans rêves

For all of these reason and so many more...now may be the time to move back home to Cali! 

If i was forced to be honest, I never really left, it took me 10 months just to decorate my house here in AZ (except for Jake's rooms & the bathroom) when we 1st moved here, I still have my Cali plates & license...and when I went home this summer, each time I felt like I had never left. Making the long drives back to "hell" oh I mean AZ, were more than a girl could stand.. {thank the gods i was able to take my good times & a rockin' tan home with me each time}.

I have asked a good friend of mine if I can rent out an extra room he has- not exactly the best set up but not the worst either as I can keep CeCe & Chocolate with me. Ill have to down size a lot of my "things" but there are worse things - {like staying in AZ}. The house is not too far from the beach which is imperative if I move back to Cali, I can afford a room in and would rather do that than have an apt here in AZ where I am more than miserable...


If I have to find a new job I would rather do it there...I mean if I am gonna end up slicing meat at Ralph's I'd rather have a beach to go to on my days off rather than the "nothing" that is AZ.  I can see that many people are very happy here in AZ; there is good music, there are a few really awesome places to go out, plus I still do have some VERY good friends here but it is not enough...

Again, unexpected: I have come to realize that even my skeletons I had here are done dancing with me, allowing all of us to move on and be free

reminding me

i think David sings it best ...

"Life is truly known only to those who suffer, lose, endure adversity and stumble from defeat to defeat."       Anais Nin 


.... i mumble this to myself (& the World) as if asking a question instead of repeating a wise quote as I pour myself a glass of wine ....

too much on the mind, must remind myself to breathe & exercise as I always think and make better decisions when I do BOTH on a consistent basis.

Off to take my advice, but it will be easier to take with wine in hand...

life flows on within you and without you...

Let's try this again....

Okay last night my partner in crime "pooped" out on me but secretly i was very happy about...
its the anti social side of my personality that loves nights at home with a bottle of wine (some help from jim) and catching up on my weeks, politics, Tough love, Sons of Anarchy & Daily Show, Colbert &South Park  episodes while doing exercises.. gotta love the silver years

so want to put a smiley face icon <here> but I am NO longer a party to such activities as I have been told they are annoying to most men. I am trying to trim that list--my annoying features list- at least the ones I can "easily" do something about- The Gods know there are a whole host of other features of myself that i continue to work on

But I digress...
I am currently finishing polishing my "paws," drinking a few glasses of Pinot Grigio and finishing my exercises because now that I'm older, and surprisingly still care where my ass is located on my backside, there is a ritual of sorts one follows to go out for the evening with the girls,  we can get into that one day if you so choose but right now I have gotta a hell a lot of sh*t to do in a small amount of time.  Going out to support my good friend's new venue - should be good
times
{gods helps me, as I am hitting the POST button before i proof read my jibber jabber!-- Yikes}

Steppin' Out...

I felt early on I wasn't going to be a respectable citizen.

 
I don't know why I started writing. I don't know why anybody does it. Maybe they're bored, or failures at something else.
 
Cormac McCarthy

 

So many changes in life at the moment {really for the last year} but now change is happening with a new clarity of mind  

{psst... don't worry they won't all be like this, as I would really like to VENT about the Massingil (had to look that spelling up people) commercials that are literally driving me crazy, but I digress}


now off to do some exercises and hopefully some beading then bed {deep, real deep...laughing at self}

Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets. Arthur Miller

Wow, I can see how this could become all consuming as it took me long enough to pick out fonts, colors, pictures etc etc but then, right when I thought I was kinda cool... 

i was smart enough to remember to ALWAYS edit...mainly due to my atrocious spelling, but also due to my ego, or hubris...

Let's just say, though I am sure if anyone ever reads this thing - someone will inevitably, put me "in check" - but it is a little easier on the "id" if you can self correct-- we'll see, eh?

I am still trying to get used to the idea that I have done this, hence my "Table Topic" 

And let me warn you again as I have no doubt I am going to post some more than "random" things on here but I have hunch that it may turn out to be a "Right Regret"

Prologue

Please forgive me for doing this (have I become so self absorbed that I feel the need to blog...) especially with my LACK of spelling capabilities and "mild dyslexia" (my clinical reason for not knowing how to spell) but more over I have come to learn only the "kids" have these things, blogs and I really just don't agree with that....I figure I can use this thing as "therapy" {there goes the bunny ears again- get used to them as you will see them a lot if you continue to read my thoughts here}

I can say, post & listen/read everything I am too chicken sh*t to write/publish as I live/curse/laugh/dream/cry/think and express what is/happens in my life.  So here we go, as I am scared (in a good way) for all of us.... 


**Please note: I am a horrific speller much to my Mother's, a few friends & many a Professor's dismay.